Merry Christmas!!!



Easter Graphics

Yay for progress

I saw my regular doc this morning and had a pretty good check-up.  My blood pressure is doing great with the drug I'm on.  I'd like to get off of it, but that is further down the road apparently. My resting pulse has gone from 90 to 70. He was also very happy with the 20 pounds that I have lost.  I wish it was more but my weight loss has been stagnant over the past few weeks. I do have to work harder.  But it was super to see how my progress is positively affecting my health.

Pink Christmas

We put up our Christmas decorations last night. Excuse the camera phone photos, but here is my pink tree all decorated.

Around the house

A sneak peek of my new bedroom color scheme below. I loved the fabulous mood board that Eve designed for me and I took away some great ideas from that. I decided it was time for me to give up the hot pink in our master bedroom. I do of course still have it the master bath. I really wanted calm soothing colors in our bedroom. We sold our exercise bike because it was just collecting dust. We love our gym so we'd rather work out there. I painted our bedroom furniture and shelves black/brown to match our IKEA desks and Expedit shelves. I did learn through my painting project things I should have done differently. I plan on redoing one dresser in the spring.
From this:




To this:





I'll post better pictures when I'm all done painting. I suspect it will be a couple more weeks until we have time. One wall will be pretty labor intensive because it includes the our workspace and unplugging computers.

A close-up of the pattern of my new comforter. I've been dying to put it out and have had since October when I bought it with birthday money.





I have a few things on my my IKEA wishlist for our room. I love this area rug that was on our moodboard:





I want to swap out our mismatched office chairs for these IKEA urban chairs in light blue:





I also have my eye on these blinds in dark brown for our bedroom windows.JC Penney's has them on sale and they should be more on sale starting Wednesday.


At Lowe's yesterday I saw this light fixture and fell in love. It would be so perfect for our dining area. It has every color of the tapestry we have hanging on the wall.




I plan on replacing our dining table after the holidays with this one from IKEA:




I want to replace our benches and chairs with more IKEA urban chairs, but I'm not too keen on their current color choices for the dining area. They have white and the light blue. I loved the colors from last year, orange or green. So hopefully they will offer something else soon.


Lastly I must share my new Christmas tree. I am quite surprised that I was able to get my husband to agree to it.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a project day for me. I felt like the best way to handle the day was to do stuff I would have or could have done with my Dad. And I did those things with my daughter (son was at Grandma's house). We put up the outside Christmas lights, took a trip to Lowe's to buy paint, and painted 2 walls of my bedroom. I taught her how to use a screwdriver and how to sand the wall. To be honest, hubby helped too. :-)

We also went out for dinner and I was so pleased with how nicely Abby sat and ate. With all the steroids she takes her for her asthma and her natural high energy level, sitting still is not usually something she can do.

I'll post pictures of our paint job shortly.

Remembering

Tomorrow it will be a year since I said goodbye to my Dad. It's hard to believe that it's been a year. I still miss him terribly every day. I'm not entirely sure how I want to deal with tomorrow. I would much rather remember his life than his death so in a way I'd like the day just to pass as any other Saturday. But then I can't imagine not taking a moment to remember the day for what it is.


I have so many good memories of my Dad. I love looking at photos of him and remembering. Here are some old photos that my hubby scanned in for me yesterday....


My parents and I on my baptism day.




My Mom and I. I love this one because we both look so happy and in this moment it's just about us.




Dad and I at Disney World.




My parents.




Dad and I.

Turkey Day Photos

We had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday at my Mom's house.  Lots of good food and a good time with family. After dessert, Mom and I went through old photos and we scanned some old photos which I'll share in another post.



My Mom and my kids.




Mom & I.




Evan holding his baby cousin.





The 4 of us.



My cutie pie niece.



My aunt and my niece.



Hubby and I.




My babies.

The last milestone

Some of you know that this is a really difficult week for me (and my family).  Last year during this week, my Dad was in a coma.  We were faced with some harsh realities and difficult decisions.   This Saturday will mark one year since he left this world and went on to a place where he will always be young (To me 63 is still young!), he would always be the Dad I knew, and he would no longer feel any pain. These are the last milestones to get through.

The emptiness that he left in our lives is so profoundly felt and the silence that his absence created is painful.  I wondered how we would survive the aftermath. I have survived with the support of wonderful friends, with giving myself over to the therapy process, and leaning on my family. I recently read an article that gave me an "aha moment" as Oprah calls them. The author had lost both of her parents and was in unimaginable pain, but she said on the upside she never had to go through it again.  I can't imagine how it would have been for my Dad to get much older, become unable to move around, become senile, etc.  I do feel relieved that I no longer have to dread that. One of the most painful experiences of my life is already behind me.

But that doesn't help comfort me when one of us has a birthday and he's not there sitting around the table or when I need to call him for advice and I can't. I feel his absence acutely every day. I try to keep him with me.  I imagine what he would say in certain situations.  I talk to him out loud when I'm alone. I look at my scrapbooks to see pictures of him. I know he's with me in a way.

If you were to ask what you could do to help as some friend have, I'll tell you.  It's really quite simple. The best thing you could do is share a memory with me that you have of my Dad. I'm not afraid to talk about him. Talking about him keeps him alive for me. You can also listen.  Every time I share the painful or sad feelings, a little bit of their power is diminished. Talking lessens the hurt. You can also tell me a joke.  Laughter is the best medicine.

Tidbits

I've been meaning to post some photos.  So here they are.



Daughter playing with her cousin.







From a recent visit with my cousin and my Mom....







Daughter's "room cleaning" outfit. Her choice, not mine...

She's just not that into me?

When a guy you are dating doesn't return your calls or acts aloof with plans you can safely assume that he's "just not that into you".  But what does it mean when it happens with female friends? I know that in our late 20's and 30's we are busy with our husbands, careers, children (if we have them), and often our families.  People get really busy in the daily grind and they forget to make that phone call or arrange that girls' night out with their pals.  So that being said, I'm also asking myself sometimes...."she really didn't have 5 minutes to email me back?  During the whole month of September?"  Or I wonder when I repeatedly suggest getting together with someone who says "Sure, I'd love to" but then they never set up a date.  Are they just busy?  Or are they just not that into being friends with me?

I find in my 30's that friendships are harder.  It's harder to make friends because new relationships often require a lot of attention and that's something that I just don't have in surplus these days.  By the time I play mom taxi, run errands, clean the house, do homework with the kids, and deal with dinner....I'm exhausted most days.  The thought of actually putting on something other than sweats or jeans a t-shirt to go out is not appealing most days. And forget making phone calls when I'm not home alone!  The minute I pick up that phone, I will have both kids and likely the husband too urgently needing me to answer a question or referee an argument over the tv.

So while outwardly it might seem that I'm just not trying to be a good friend, it's not true.  I want to be.  And I am into you.  So the question is...are the friends I'm doubting feeling the same way as I am, or are they just not all that into me?

Make-up review

A couple of weeks ago I ordered some new goodies from Sephora.  I've been using them for awhile so I could see what I really thought.  Sometimes I love something right away and then wind up not loving it a week later. I got a Tarina Tarantino Magic Smudge Pen in Smokey Topaz.




I have been wanting a good dark matte shadow that is easy to throw in my purse.  I love my Urban Decay shadows, but sometimes I just want something that's not all glittery.  This one fits the bill.  It definitely has more staying power if I use it with eyeshadow primer.  It lasts all day.  I also like that it looks good enough on it's own that I don't need eyeliner with it.

I also got Smashbox's Wish for the Perfect Primer set.  I was using Too Face's shadow primer which I liked, but I think I like the Smashbox one better....it seems to have more staying power.  I had tried the Smashbox face primer as a sample and loved how it made my face feel.  I don't know if it really reduced my pores, but since I've been using it my skin is clearer. I have been using the pore & line primer as well but again, I don't notice a lot of difference in the size of my pores.  The face primers definitely help keep my face power on all day though.

Milestones

1 year ago today my beautiful niece was born. She has been such a blessing in all of our lives.  I'm so lucky to be her aunt.
5 years ago today I found out I had thyroid cancer. 

Some of the things I've learned since then:
*  I'm stronger than I thought I was.
*  You can't count on everyone you might have thought you could.
*  Some people will surprise you with how they will come through for you.
*  "It's cancer"....These two words can change your life.
*  It's a really good idea to make every effort to mend all of your bridges. This will give you more peace than you imagined.
*  Just because the cancer doesn't kill you doesn't mean you can ignore your health....other things might try to take you out instead if you do.

Did my civic duty!

I voted! It was an interesting experience. While waiting in line to check in to vote, my 8 yr old wanted to know why she couldn't vote and then proceeded to tell me how she voted at school and she said "Remember, I voted for that white guy?!? I wanted him and not Barack Obama." Oh dear...the things they say! So the rest of the experience went like this:

Daughter: Why can't I vote?
Me: Because you are not 18. You have to be 18 to vote. You can vote in 10 years.
Daughter: Am I going to live with you and daddy then? (whining and getting louder) I want to live with you and daddy FOREVER!
Me: Of course you'll live with me and daddy forever. Now just wait here right outside the booth while I vote and daddy should be out soon since he went first.
Daughter: Mom! Are you done yet???

Apparently that "woohoo" was a little premature...

And the other shoe has dropped....sort of. I heard from my doctor yesterday about my blood test results and the next step in this great thyroid/lymph node adventure....and it's not the news I wanted. My thyroglobulin value is between 0 and .2.  I realize that I'm not going to hear a definitive "cancer free" and the best I can hope for is "undetectable". So that's a good result.

However, we are still not sure why my lymph nodes are huge.  So in March, I will repeat the neck ultrasound.  Depending on those results, I may have the thyrogen shots and thyroglobulin (TG) blood test again.

So the good news: my TG value is less than .2 and there won't be any cutting into my neck to get out lymph nodes right now.

The bad news: I had hoped this would be my last round of testing since I'm nearly 5 years out from my surgery and radioactive iodine therapy. At this point, I should be able to go off the yearly protocol. But instead I'm back to testing every 6 months. I feel disappointed, sad and somewhat angry. I want to move on with my life.  I have spent 5 years of my life worrying about cancer and I just want to be done. But I'm not done.  I'm still in limbo. It's still not settled.

I might glow, but my scan didn't

I had my radioactive iodine scan on Friday and before I could even get home, I got the call.  Nothing "lit up" on my scan meaning that there was no evidence of thyroid cells in my body.  WOOOHOOOO! 

Still waiting on thyroglobulin blood test results and a call from my doctor to discuss the next step with my lymph nodes that have been causing trouble.

Scan Week: Day 3

I got my radiation pill (radioactive iodine) today.  When I was going through my diagnosis, the nurse that gave me on of these pills said she referred to her patients as being "hotties" afterwards so I've always liked that...I'm a radiation hottie today! Unfortunately though I have been feeling the side effects since about an hour after I took the pill.  I have had a headache and tiredness all week (side effects from my thyrogen shots) but today I added feeling nauseous to that list. I didn't do very much today as a result which bums me out.  I wanted to finish painting my dresser.  But I slept most of the afternoon until it was time to pick my little girlie up from school.


Pics from today...









Tomorrow is my day off from the hospital for the week. Woohoo! Hopefully I will feel better and I can get that dresser done as well as the housework that I skipped today.

A very blustery day

Today has been such an odd weather day.  Very, very windy.  40 mph winds with 60 mph gusts (last I had heard anyway).  It has been sunny and stormy all at once.










Today was my 2nd Thyrogen injection. It went a lot easier for me today than yesterday. I got a little dizzy afterwards but the nurse I had moved through the whole thing much faster which I believe helped the level of panic I felt to be much less. Also I had my hubby with me for moral support (and in case I passed out) and that helped a lot.

When I got home from the hospital, I worked on painting this dresser for the rest of the afternoon. I need to pull out the drawers still and do the sides of them and the inside trim of the dresser. But the dresser and drawer faces already have 2 coats of paint on them, so I'd say I'm about 90% done. After this is completed, I just have some shelves to paint and then the transformation of our bedroom furniture from unfinished pine to black/brown will be complete.





On tomorrow's agenda: radioactive iodine.

LID: Day 14, Scan: Week Day 1

Today was my first day of "scan week" which meant I got to go to the hospital this morning for a Thyrogen injection.  Thyrogen will get me ready for the blood test I need to have on Friday that checks for a thyroglobulin level in my blood.  I'd forgotten how much the Thyrogen shots burn.  Ouch!

It was a really rough trip to the hospital for me this morning.  Since I have panic attacks, I had sort of expected that it would be hard for me.  I had no idea how bad it would be today.  After all, I knew what to expect because I have done this more times than I can count.  Thank goodness for my husband who came to my rescue with coffee & anti-anxiety meds.  I really hope that tomorrow is better.

Progress

I started one of the projects I've been dreading but knew needed to be done. I am refinishing the armoire that my Dad built for me when I was 18 (it was my 18th birthday present).  It's all dinged up and it's a medium oak color that doesn't match anything else in my home. It currently holds our tv, DVD player, and all of our bedding.  I had a really rough day and I felt as though I needed to have a victory.  Starting this was a big breakthrough for me because I have not been able to complete any projects involving my Dad since his death because it's too emotional for me.  But tonight sitting in the garage sanding the drawers for the armoire, I know that I was not alone. I sat on my chair with my sandpaper in my hand and asked aloud, "Should I do this? Is it okay with you Dad?" and then it started to rain.  It poured actually.  I felt like it was my answer from him.  While I was sitting there sanding, I felt his presence quite strongly.  I could smell him. I know how this sounds.  I know it sounds nutty, but this is the first time this has happened and it was a very special gift to me.


My not-so-awesome camera phone photos to show you my progress on the drawer face.



Oh and yes, that is my knee. LOL

BEFORE (with varnish removed)....






DURING (after 1st coat of black/brown paint)...

LID: Day 11

I'm so blessed to have a sweet husband who is willing to stay up late making me muffins from the Thyca Low Iodine Diet Cookbook.  So this morning I have some yummy pumpkin cranberry muffins for breakfast (with low iodine dairy free spread) and some tea.  I'm so happy to have a break from peanut butter and bananas.

Trying to be brave

It's Low Iodine Diet, Day 10 and Day 1 out of 5 for the trips to the hospital for diagnostics. I wish I had something inspiring to say or some great LID diet tip to share but I don't. Today was just a blood test, but as usual I had a panic attack going to the hospital and another leaving it. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I am going through this...it's happening.

I am so thankful for the supportive comments people leave on Facebook.  Quite often, Josh and I feel alone in the cancer battle.  So those comments are really helpful!



My "I'm trying to be brave" face this morning...




My thyroid cancer survivor pin. I'm going to wear it every day that I have to go to the hospital. It's my good luck charm.

LID: Day 4

Today was day 4 of the low iodine diet.  I did my weekly weigh-in as well and found that I hit a milestone of 20 pounds lost.  I was really happy to see that. I am sure that the LID has something to do with hitting that goal faster than expected.  Especially after the past weekend where I ate whatever I wanted and I have not worked out this week at all.  By the way, I discovered over the weekend that not only do I not miss fried or fast food, but it grosses me out now. I did really miss pizza though!

The LID is making me feel icky. I feel tired, my stomach acid is out of control because of all the fruit and no dairy. When I log my calories I notice that my sugars are too high and my protein and fats are way too low.  This diet is definitely not a healthy one.

Breakfast: Homemade turkey sausage, pomegranate fruit bar, orange juice.

Lunch: Grilled chicken, grapes.

Dinner: Mexican corn (I cheated a little), fruit salad, Matzo cracker with unsalted, organic peanut butter.  I had such a taste for the Mexican corn and I knew it had some dairy on it and probably salt, but I thought a little taste of normal might keep sane.  So I had maybe a 1/4 cup of dairy altogether between the cream and cheese with the corn.

Snacks: fruit strip, grapes, raisins.

A week from today I will be getting my first blood test for the scan.  I'm trying so hard not to wish October away, but I'm happy about each milestone that I pass that brings me closer to this phase being over with.

LID: Day 3

So the best thing I can say about day 3 of the low iodine diet is that I made it through! I feel like with what I am allowed to eat that I wind up having a series of snacks rather than meals. My husband did go to Trader Joe's and got me 2 cool things last night: iodine free tortilla chips and iodine free bread.  The chips are pretty good because they have a lime flavor to them. The bread takes some getting used to. 

Yesterday was also rough because I spent too much time online.  I discovered two things...there is NOT enough online support for thyroid cancer patients & if you spend enough time online, you can really freak yourself out.  I am also wondering how necessary the low iodine diet is too after reading other people's experiences.  It seems that each patient's experience with LID depends on the physician.  Some people avoid seafood, some do nothing for a diet, and some do the strict LID like I am.

I don't have any cool camera phone photos of my tasty treats for you today, but here's what I had yesterday:

Breakfast: sugar-free kool aid,  homemade turkey sausage, banana, Archer Farms pomegranate fruit bar.

Lunch: Chapatti with grilled chicken, Coke Zero

Dinner: Iodine free tortilla chips with homemade pico de gallo, iodine free bread and organic unsalted peanut butter, sugar free kool-aid.

Snacks: Red grapes, Archer Farms fruit strips.

I know it's there, but I haven't found it yet...

"Challenges make life interesting, however, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." - Mark Twain

I feel challenged right now. I feel challenged by life, cancer, grief, motherhood, marriage, friendship, family...all of it.  I feel like there must be a lesson in the challenges of the past few years, but I can't seem to see it.  I feel like I'm not learning the lesson and that is why the challenges keep coming because they are trying to teach me something. When I feel so overwhelmed as I do know, I like to sit back and try to evaluate what is going on.  What can I learn from this?

My Dad was one of the wisest men I knew.  He was my go-to-guy for advice.  Most of my life I thought it was my Dad's experience that made him wise, until one day (when I was 32 and he was 62) when I told him that I thought he was the smartest person I knew.  He chuckled and said that if he was wise it was because he "knew enough to know that he didn't know everything".  That really struck a chord with me.  I thought huh, maybe wisdom is knowing that you don't know all the lessons rather than how many lessons you know.

Cancer has taught me to look at things differently.  I don't wish away getting older anymore, I embrace it. Cancer has taught me that no matter how much you don't want to do something, sometimes you have to. Cancer has taught me that it can be cruel and take one of the people you love the very most away from you quickly. Cancer has taught me a lot of lessons and I thought I had a good grasp on all of them, but it apparently I'm not done learning.  This scare of the return of my cancer is happening to teach me something.  No matter what the outcome is here, there is a reason why this is happening. 

I wish that I could go to my Dad for advice, but I can't.  But I will remember that advice he gave me. I think I'm finally wise enough to know that I don't know what the lesson is.  I do know that cancer and I are going to not done being dance partners yet. But I feel fairly certain that as we spin around the dance floor, I will be learning some new moves.

LID: Day 2

I've made it through another day of the low iodine diet.  Woohoo!  Today's important lesson: salting the unsalted organic peanut butter with iodine free salt makes a big difference. I'm trying hard to be positive and see the little victories, but I have to be honest....

Ok, I'm already sick of fresh fruit.  And my stomach is tired of the extra acid.  I didn't even bother logging my calories today because I hardly ate anything.

Breakfast: Homemade turkey sausage from the LID cookbook, a banana, and some sugar free kool-aid. My husband is so awesome with cooking this stuff for me. I really appreciate it. The sausage was pretty good when it was fresh and not so great when it was reheated in the microwave.  Tomorrow I will be reheating it in a pan on the stove top instead.





Lunch: An Archer Farms pomegranate fruit bar and a chapatti flat bread along with Coke Zero Vanilla.

Dinner: Matzo crackers with organic unsalted peanut butter and red grapes.

Snack: Homemade popcorn with sodium free margarine and non iodized salt.

Last night, I also tried a baked apple (with brown sugar & cinnamon) from the LID cookbook. It was pretty yummy especially since I could add the margarine.

Low iodine diet (LID): Day 1

Today was the first day of my low iodine diet.  For those of you who aren't well versed in the whole thyroid cancer world, the low iodine diet or LID is necessary in preparation for radioactive iodine. I will be getting a small dose of radioactive iodine at the end of the month for scanning purposes so this diet is necessary for me. So why low iodine of all things?  Because our thyroid cells are the only ones in our body that uptake iodine.  The logic behind the LID diet is to starve the thyroid cells of iodine so that when the radioactive iodine is introduced into the body, those cells will suck it up like a sponge. For about 3 weeks, I will need to do this diet.  And it SUCKS!  If you want the full scoop on LID, please visit the Thyroid Cancer Survivor's Association  for more info.

The hardest part for me about LID is that I can't eat the foods that were a big part of my healthy eating plan such as turkey bacon and dairy. Fresh fruits and veggies are great, but they can get boring in a hurry for me.  The challenge for me is to make the fresh fruits and veggies interesting.  This is hard to do when so many key ingredients are on the "not allowed" list for LID.  We did hit Jewel today and found a butter substitute which makes life easier.  Fleischmann's margarine does not have any dairy or salt in it.  Woot!  I am also very lucky to have a supportive & empathetic husband who loves to cook.  He made me some Indian flatbreads that I can either eat plan or use as a sandwich wrap.  They are a little plain but beggars can't be choosers, right?

On today's LID menu was:
*bananas
*raisins
*homemade chappattis (those flatbreads)
*orange juice (which I normally don't drink because of the calories)
*fruit strips--my only "packaged food" of the day
*sauteed onions, tomatoes, garlic and mushrooms--these were great with the chappattis.
*Aldi's fruit punch drink mix (happily does not have the disallowed dye)
*about 4 ounces of grilled chicken

For my healthy eating plan, I typically eat 1850 calories per day.  Today I ate 1178.  Yay for eating less of course because I am working on losing a lot of weight.  But what sucks is that I feel like I ate less.  I feel hungry and just "off".  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little easier for me.

My favorite foods for today:






Chapatti, chicken, sauteed veggie sandwich:

Nifty 9

Our celebration of our 9th anniversary was perfect. We started the day off with mimosas after the kids were at school. We had an early lunch at a lovely tea & sandwich spot. We went wine tasting. We relaxed. We sat in the park and talked and enjoyed the warm sunny day. For dinner we got food from Noodles & Co and ate in.

I thought of my Dad. The thoughts of it being exactly 1 year from his terminal diagnosis were fleeting. Instead I thought of the good things. Like when we were first married and he called me on November 8th, so excited to tell us "Happy 1 month anniversary" and I laughed and said "Umm, that was yesterday". I thought of my dance at my wedding with my Dad, how surprised I was that he was such a good dancer. I listened to "our song" which was "I Hope You Dance". I remembered the times that I shared with my Dad the sweet things that my husband did for me. It was nice to see that he was happy that I was taken care of and married to someone so perfect for me. Lots of good memories.

All in all, it was a perfect day!

Some photos from our day....