Search This Blog

Friday, February 29, 2008

The 1st Day Back

Yesterday was my first day going to class after the shootings. It was so hard...worse than I thought it would be. I had a major panic attack just driving there. As I've said before, most of the time I am fine and feel like I am okay with it. But then the oddest things make me emotional. Yesterday it was the therapy dogs. They have had them on campus all week for people to pet which I think is neat. I know petting my Gracie makes me feel less sad. As I was turning from Normal Rd onto Lucinda, I saw a red husky and he/she was all dressed up in black and red. And for some reason that just pushed me over the edge. I had to call my Mom from the parking lot just to hear a friendly voice tell me I could do it.

It was my professor's first day back and she was clearly having a hard time being there. We talked about the shooting and the demolishing of Cole for about 1/2 of the class period. I don't really know what else we talked about because I really zoned out. I just wanted to go home.

Most of the day yesterday I spent just relaxing and playing with the kids. My brain felt too overloaded to do much else. I really hope that Tuesday will be an easier day for me. I have to give an oral presentation which makes me nervous enough as it is.

Some more photos of around campus/town. Click on any picture to make it larger.
Memorial at the Lutheran Campus Ministry:
IMG_1018

These banners are up all over DeKalb.
IMG_1017

Nearly every business has something like this on their sign:
IMG_1019
Photobucket

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Cole Hall to be torn down

Article here

I think this is the wrong decision because:

1. The state of Illinois is broke. As a taxpayer I am concerned about where this money is going to come from.

2. There are so many other issues at NIU that could use some state money thrown at them. Stevens Building is basically falling apart. There is not enough parking. I hear that the dorms are in need of serious attention as well.

3. There is nothing, no memorial, no tearing down of buildings that will erase what happened in Cole Hall on February 14th from our minds. Whatever we see in that spot will remind us all of what happened. We will feel sad, angry, scared or whatever comes to surface. Replacing one building with something else will not change that.

4. Most importantly, if we tear down that building the shooter takes something else away from us. He takes away part of our experience of moving on. We are at NIU for an education. An education that for many of us included Cole Hall. I never had a class in there but passed through it as a short cut many times. Anything that gets in the way or distracts from my educations prevents me from moving on. If we let that happen than the shooter keeps victimizing the students at NIU.

5. It's too soon for a decision this big to be made. I also wonder who Blago asked about this. Did he survey the NIU student population to see what they wanted? If so, I didn't get any such survey. I did send him a message and I suggest that if you feel the same about this to send one as well. Contact the governor here

Wild/Wacky Wednesday

In honor of hump day (and in the interest of inserting a less emotional post among so many emotional ones) here are 5 wild and/or wacky things about me.

1. I like to talk to my pets in weird voices when no one else is home.

2. Most people would not guess that I love listening to dirty rap when I'm alone in the car.

3. I still like playing Barbie dolls (with my daughter of course).

4. If I see meat on the bone, I won't eat it. It feels like eating a carcass to me.

5. I'm afraid of escalators.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Turning that frown upside down

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."– Margaret Mead

Rather than spend the morning feeling blue about class being cancelled, Josh and I made the most of our alone time.  Although there were near white out conditions when we turned out of our neighborhood, we decided it would be a good idea to get out of the house. We went to Panera and picked out a quiet spot to sit and study and have some coffee. After we were done studying we wondered over to Borders and looked at some books for "fun" reading. Luckily by then, the snow had stopped coming down, the wind had calmed down and the air had warmed up.  The snow even started melting which is a good thing when your county is out of salt. 

We picked Abby up from school and headed over to Huskie's Pizza just off campus for one of their "Ginormous slices". They cut the slices from a hand tossed 28 inch wheel.  Josh and I consider ourselves pizza connoisseurs and it was fun to try out a new place.  We will definitely be going back again. 

After lunch we went to the bookstore on campus.  I really wanted to get a Huskie decal for my car window which I did. It was really helpful to lift my spirits to be on campus. Seeing people and traffic on campus made me feel like normalcy is possible. It was good to be there.  It was healing to be there.  I really look forward to attending class this week and getting on with life. 

Back to class

Today should have been my 1st day back at class. Unfortunately we got a few inches of snow last night and my professor commutes so she cancelled class. On a normal day with bad weather I would be thankful for not having to slide around town on my way to campus. Today though I needed to go back to class no matter what. I need to get back to normal.

The campus has counselors in every class today (yesterday as well) and I was looking forward to the opportunity of discussion that their presence would prompt. Just to be clear, I don't feel that I need counseling to deal with the February 14th tragedy, but I do feel that it would have been a useful tool to help with healing. I do need healing.

Josh took the day off today because he wanted to be here for me knowing that it would be difficult to go back. At least we have a nice opportunity for some quiet study time which we both need. I have to confess that I have slacked a lot on my reading homework over the past week and a half. Picking up a textbook gives me a moment of sadness and because of that I hesitated to do anything that reminded me of the last time I was in class.

NIU has suspended sales of memorial merchandise. Article here I have to say that I am glad. For me personally every black ribbon or sign with NIU's slogan "Forward Together Forward" makes it harder to move on. It's not that I am looking to forget. I will never forget the day that tragedy hit home. But I need to move on. For any one student at NIU to allow that shooter to throw our education off track is letting him win. Some day I hope to be a great anthropologist and I'm not going to get there with a mindset that is stuck on February 14th, 2008.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Happy "Valentimes" Day!

With everything that happened last week I forgot to share a picture from our Valentine's Day. After class, Josh brought home a heart shaped pizza from Pizza Villa. It was our "Valentimes Day" dinner as Abby says.

Photobucket

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Now I don't know what to believe

Hopefully this link will work: http://abclocal.go.com/wls/media?id=5971211
ABC 7 reported tonight that
1. The FBI is comparing handwriting between the shooter and the December threats.
2. That there was a threat written on the bathroom wall in DuSable that was reported a week before the shooting. This info was not made public.

So are they linked? Is there another crazy out there? Just when I was feeling like it was okay to go back to class and for this to heal, now I have doubts and anxiety. Are we ever going to get the full story here?

What's the deal with this?

ABC 7 is doing a special piece on whether or not the December threats were linked to the shooting. It's on tonight at 10, I assume. The university has said they are not connected. So I'm wondering if ABC has found something to the contrary or if they are just looking for something sensational to report on.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

A rough week

This past week has been a huge emotional roller coaster. First family issues, then the shootings and then more family issues. I really really hate drama. I avoid it at all costs. My life used to be full of drama and I worked very hard to cut all that out and to live more honestly and peacefully.

So I am out of practice. I am out of practice with how to deal with it. I'm quite worn out and this also reminds me of why I hate drama.

I guess in the ends you can only do your best, be true to yourself and be as compassionate as possible. Some things are are out of our hands and no amount of talking them through or crying over them will help. You just have to have faith and let go of the wheel.

So I'm trying really hard to let go of the wheel and trust in my faith. And with that, I would love to share two quotes from His Holiness the Dali Lama:

"Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values." - Dali Lama

"Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."- Dali Lama

Monday, February 18, 2008

No school

NIU has cancelled classes for this week. They are adding another week on to the end of the semester.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

NIU Photos

I went to school today along with Josh and the kids. I really wanted to go and lay flowers at the memorial so that's what we did. We also walked around the Commons a little and saw the bulletin board that NIU put up for people to write messages. It was eerily quiet on campus. There is still a lot of press there and it interferes with the grieving process that students need to go through. Obviously the press there means the world is less likely to forget, but I'm sure we'll all be ready for them to be gone when they finally leave. One thing I notice driving around town is the lack of cars with NIU parking permits hanging from the rear view mirror...it's as though all the students have left.

Since the shootings, the world looks different to me. I wonder if it will ever feel normal to walk through campus again. School is such a huge part of my life.

I let Abby be the one to lay the flowers down with the rest. The first photo is Cole Hall, I'll let the rest speak for themselves. Click on any photo to make it bigger.

IMG_0966

IMG_0961

IMG_0960

IMG_0963

IMG_0964

IMG_0965

Friday, February 15, 2008

The day after

Photobucket

I'm in shock. I feel numb. I went to the campus this morning hoping to see people, but there were just police. More police than I've ever seen in my life. There is a press conference on tv now at the hospital. The hospital where they took away my tumor. My sister's doctor is on tv right now. It's too close to home. This is my life, these images on tv are my life. It's my town, my school....I just can't understand.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Photobucket

This morning everything was normal. As I posted earlier, it was a day where I joked around with some classmates. I went to class. I walked around campus. Other than worries about slipping on black ice, I felt safe. I felt comfortable. That's all turned upside down now.

NIU

Just want to let all my friends know that I am safe. I left campus at 11am today hours before the shootings.

I am shocked, horrified and deeply saddened that this happened at NIU, I cannot understand how a person thinks it is reasonable to handle their problems like this. This shouldn't have happened at NIU. It shouldn't have happened anywhere.

I'm sure I'll post more later. I just can't even really think clearly right now because I'm so upset.

Here's a link to NIU's paper so you can read the story: http://www.northernstar.info/article/2325/

Today at school


Q:How do you know when you are an anthropology dork?
A: You are part of the following discussion....

I wore my kitty shoes today as always and one of the grad students commented on them.
GS: You are wearing shoes with a cat on them.
Me: Yes, I am. They even have a tail on the back (and I picked up pants leg to show him).
GS: I find that disturbing. I wonder if other people wear cat shoes.
I shrugged my shoulders
GS: It would be interesting to know why people wear cat shoes. What does it mean?
At which point I turned to the undergrad guy next to me and said
Me: I don't really even like cats.
UG: You know the Egyptians believed cats were the guardians of the underworld.
Me: Makes sense, cats are evil.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Wednesday Update

I bit the bullet and called my Endo and made an appointment for the middle of March. Thinking positive!

It's already been a very tiring week emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Monday, February 11, 2008

To-do today

Today:
*Lots of laundry
*Lots of house cleaning
*Make dentist and eye doctor appointments for Evan
*Lots of reading homework
*Bite the bullet and call my Endo for appointment to discuss scans and dealing with my lymph node situation.
Definitely not looking forward to it. I tried to do it on Friday but I was literally overcome with anxiety and instead spent the better part of the morning crying or freaking out about it. I have to keep reminding myself that avoiding the appointment doesn't change what is or is not in my neck. Avoiding cancer makes it worse not better right? The funny thing is that most of the time I feel really upbeat and positive. I feel certain that I've kicked it's butt and it's over and done with. But then I remember that lymph node. And for a few minutes I feel anxious but I can swallow it and move on. However anytime I have appointments to deal with, it comes to the forefront and I have a harder time dealing with it. As with all over unpleasant things in life, this too shall pass. Some day I am going to look back on the cancer years and chuckle at how worked up I got over a simple phone call to make an appointment.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Love this!

I saw this on a forum that I read and post in and thought it was fabulous.

Tips ..For A Happy 2008

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a Tivo (DVR), tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement,
'My purpose is to___________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, qigong and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie (not u guys.) Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words:
'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
'I am thankful for __________.'
Today I accomplished _________.

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.

'Intelligence is like an underwear.
It is important that you have it, but
not necessary that you show it........'

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Painting

On March 31st we will have lived in our house for 3 years. In that time we have not painted one wall. Josh hates to paint, but he loves to climb on stuff. I love to paint, but I hate ladders. So we need to work together to get a wall painted. I finally convinced him to paint that first wall tonight. So we painted an accent wall in our master bathroom chocolate brown. I love it!
IMG_0949

IMG_0948

IMG_0947
We used Kilz brand paint which claims to only need one coat no matter what color you tint it. I didn't believe it because I've never had that kind of luck before. Quite honestly though, I think this job is mostly done after 1 coat. It's looking like we'll only need touch-ups tomorrow. We've always used Dutch Boy before and I'm definitely convinced to switch brands permanently.

Proof that Josh likes ladders better than I do.
IMG_0950

IMG_0952

Friday, February 8, 2008

Updates and Friday Five

New Template and a few new widgets including a slide show. It's an older slideshow that I had running on my myspace page so I will have to update that.

Friday Five. 5 Things you do just for yourself:
1. Read.
2. In a way scrapbooking is something just for me. Although I'm preserving our family photos, it's something I do to relax and have fun.
3. Play with my hair. As evidenced my pinkness, I love to play with my hair color.
4. Get my eyebrows waxed. Sure I could pluck 'em, but this way the pain is over faster.
5. Blog. Sure it's great if someone actually reads it, but for me it's like an online diary.

Flickr has a great photo editor now. Just for fun, I played with this photo of Josh and I from New Year's Eve.
nye2007

Thursday, February 7, 2008

I had Evan home sick today with a nasty cold and cough. He never gets sick so I was quite surprised when Josh woke me up to tell me that Evan needed to stay home. The guys get up earlier than we girls do. If he doesn't wake up feeling better tomorrow, he'll be going to the doctor. Poor guy.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Today in pictures

Today we are snowed in. Not sure how many inches we got overnight. And it's still snowing. The kids didn't have school today but poor Josh had to go to work. Here's what I see when I look out my front door.

IMG_0932

IMG_0933


So the kids and I ordered pizza. Chicago style pepperoni from Rosati's. Yum!

IMG_0926

Abby:
IMG_0944

Gracie:
IMG_0943

I hope wherever you are, you are warm! I am thankful to be inside all snuggled up. I can't wait until my hubby is home too.

Dishes!

I know I'm a grown up because I got super excited that Josh and I bought new dishes this weekend. I love them!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I've been tagged

I've been tagged by Amy to list 7 strange/weird facts about myself.

The rules are to link the person who sent this and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours~Post the rules on your blog~Share 7 strange/weird facts about yourself~Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and link their blog~Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here are 7 strange/weird things about me...

1. I'm phobic about using public bathrooms. I avoid them at all costs.

2. When I get tired, my eyelids make a "clicking sound".

3. Whenever I am going out to eat, I have to look at the menu first online and make sure there are at least 2 things I'd eat on the menu.

4. I'm neurotic about my eyebrows. I pluck stray hairs every day and I love getting them waxed.

5. I tell my dog all my secrets. She doesn't judge.

6. I'm crazy about pink. Nearly everything I own is pink. When I go to school, I have my pink bag, pink pens, pink binder, pink laptop and often my pink gym shoes.

7. I burn a lot of candles. I'm crazy about my tart warmer. I burn at least one tealight per day in there and usually have a candle going at some point too. I wish I could buy tealights by the case.

I tag:
Alycia
Amanda
Jeri
Tracy
Paul