5th Relay For Life

I've been wanting to share my Relay For Life experience for the past 2 weeks, but every time I sat down to write something about it I felt really emotional. With the kids home for the summer, I'm usually quite rushed anytime I am using my computer and I wanted to give this the time it deserves. 

This year's Relay was very emotional for me which surprised me. The first year was emotional and I expected that.  I wasn't even in remission yet and I remember feeling doubtful that I even belonged among the other survivors.  When I put my hand print on the banner with other survivors, I didn't really even have a time to write down as a survivor in remission, so I just counted back to my diagnosis. I remember feeling unsure of my place among the courageous survivors that I sat amongst on the field for the opening ceremony. Many of them had been through a much harder journey than I had.  They'd faced chemo.  Some of them had needed stem cell transplants and other procedures far more serious than what I went through.




But when I joined them for the survivor lap, I felt something that I didn't expect.  I felt empowered.  Walking seems like such a small thing, but it was and is one thing I could control.  I was able to band together with other survivors and show cancer that it can't knock me off my feet. The biggest thing that cancer took me from is my health and being able to walk a lap felt a little like thumbing my nose at cancer. Although I am in remission, I am not as healthy as I was pre-cancer. Losing my thyroid has turned a lifelong struggle with my weight into what sometime seems an impossible battle. The pounds that 2 years of hypothyroidism packed on have been such a difficult battle for me to take off.  Nevertheless, slowly I am winning that battle.

The fact that I am down almost 65 pounds since my last Relay made this year's walk more poignant for me.  It was a bigger "screw you" to cancer. Not only am I still standing and still alive but I'm taking off the weight that cancer helped me put on. It was much easier for me to walk that survivor lap and 2 laps that followed without even getting tired.  Progress! Physically this Relay was the easiest one for me.




It was very emotionally challenging for me though. It was the first time I cried during the survivor lap.  Seeing other people's tears always brings me to tears of my own. Seeing the luminaria that Abby and I decorated for my Dad choked me up.  I wish that my Dad was a survivor too.  I wish he could walk that lap with me. I hate that I'm here and he's not. This year was less about my battle and more about carrying on the battle in his memory. It's safe to say that my Dad wouldn't really have done Relay with me.  That wasn't his sort of thing. He never came when I was walking just for myself.  But last year and this year he was there....I carried him in my heart.






I am about to reach 5 years of being in remission on Wednesday July 13th. 5 years for a cancer patient is a huge milestone because the risk of recurrence becomes so much lower.  I realize that with thyroid cancer, recurrence at any time of my life is possible.  I know that the radiation therapy I had increases my risk of other cancers. But those risks are moving farther and farther to the back of my mind.

So as I reflect on the 5th year of my remission from Stage III papillary/follicular thyroid cancer, I am feeling thankful, blessed and hopeful.  I am thankful for my husband and children who have sustained me through this fight with love, patience and understanding.  They laughed along with me when I was so hypothyroid that all I could do was stare at my hand all day.  The sympathized with me through many a Low Iodine Diet. I am thankful for my friends and family who have been there to support me.  Those who have joined my Relay team and cheered me on each year as I do that survivor lap. Those who have been understanding when hypothyroidism drained me of energy to hang out or when I was filled with anxiety as I went through my testing. I feel blessed that I continue to win my fight against cancer.  I feel blessed that I have a wonderful competent doctor who cares for me and keeps me healthy.  I am blessed to have a good hospital with caring medical staff to give me a smile or a chuckle during testing or to add yet another bill to my monthly payment plan. I am hopeful that someday I will no longer worry about my cancer.  I feel hopeful that someday I will no longer touch the jagged scar on my neck as I worry about why I'm not feeling alright. I feel hopeful that some day there will be a cure for cancer.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a project day for me. I felt like the best way to handle the day was to do stuff I would have or could have done with my Dad. And I did those things with my daughter (son was at Grandma's house). We put up the outside Christmas lights, took a trip to Lowe's to buy paint, and painted 2 walls of my bedroom. I taught her how to use a screwdriver and how to sand the wall. To be honest, hubby helped too. :-)

We also went out for dinner and I was so pleased with how nicely Abby sat and ate. With all the steroids she takes her for her asthma and her natural high energy level, sitting still is not usually something she can do.

I'll post pictures of our paint job shortly.

The last milestone

Some of you know that this is a really difficult week for me (and my family).  Last year during this week, my Dad was in a coma.  We were faced with some harsh realities and difficult decisions.   This Saturday will mark one year since he left this world and went on to a place where he will always be young (To me 63 is still young!), he would always be the Dad I knew, and he would no longer feel any pain. These are the last milestones to get through.

The emptiness that he left in our lives is so profoundly felt and the silence that his absence created is painful.  I wondered how we would survive the aftermath. I have survived with the support of wonderful friends, with giving myself over to the therapy process, and leaning on my family. I recently read an article that gave me an "aha moment" as Oprah calls them. The author had lost both of her parents and was in unimaginable pain, but she said on the upside she never had to go through it again.  I can't imagine how it would have been for my Dad to get much older, become unable to move around, become senile, etc.  I do feel relieved that I no longer have to dread that. One of the most painful experiences of my life is already behind me.

But that doesn't help comfort me when one of us has a birthday and he's not there sitting around the table or when I need to call him for advice and I can't. I feel his absence acutely every day. I try to keep him with me.  I imagine what he would say in certain situations.  I talk to him out loud when I'm alone. I look at my scrapbooks to see pictures of him. I know he's with me in a way.

If you were to ask what you could do to help as some friend have, I'll tell you.  It's really quite simple. The best thing you could do is share a memory with me that you have of my Dad. I'm not afraid to talk about him. Talking about him keeps him alive for me. You can also listen.  Every time I share the painful or sad feelings, a little bit of their power is diminished. Talking lessens the hurt. You can also tell me a joke.  Laughter is the best medicine.

Milestones

1 year ago today my beautiful niece was born. She has been such a blessing in all of our lives.  I'm so lucky to be her aunt.
5 years ago today I found out I had thyroid cancer. 

Some of the things I've learned since then:
*  I'm stronger than I thought I was.
*  You can't count on everyone you might have thought you could.
*  Some people will surprise you with how they will come through for you.
*  "It's cancer"....These two words can change your life.
*  It's a really good idea to make every effort to mend all of your bridges. This will give you more peace than you imagined.
*  Just because the cancer doesn't kill you doesn't mean you can ignore your health....other things might try to take you out instead if you do.

Nifty 9

Our celebration of our 9th anniversary was perfect. We started the day off with mimosas after the kids were at school. We had an early lunch at a lovely tea & sandwich spot. We went wine tasting. We relaxed. We sat in the park and talked and enjoyed the warm sunny day. For dinner we got food from Noodles & Co and ate in.

I thought of my Dad. The thoughts of it being exactly 1 year from his terminal diagnosis were fleeting. Instead I thought of the good things. Like when we were first married and he called me on November 8th, so excited to tell us "Happy 1 month anniversary" and I laughed and said "Umm, that was yesterday". I thought of my dance at my wedding with my Dad, how surprised I was that he was such a good dancer. I listened to "our song" which was "I Hope You Dance". I remembered the times that I shared with my Dad the sweet things that my husband did for me. It was nice to see that he was happy that I was taken care of and married to someone so perfect for me. Lots of good memories.

All in all, it was a perfect day!

Some photos from our day....

Thoughts on today

“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”--Chuck Palahniuk

 

 

 I wish that my Dad had lived forever. But he didn't.  No one can live in their bodies forever.  What's important is that (as my Dad did) you live a beautiful life and that you find a way to live on.  As the Buddha said, "Fashion your life as a garland of beautiful deeds".  My Dad was all about the good deeds.  That's how he showed his love for us.  He might not have often said sentimental things to us, but he showed his love for us in his actions.  

 

I wish that he was here physically to celebrate his birthday with us.  But he is here in spirit with us.  He lives on in my Mom, me, my sister, and his three beautiful grandchildren.  He lives in on the hearts of all of us who loved him.

Today to remember what would have been my Dad's 64th birthday, we released some balloons. I hope they found you in heaven Daddy. And I hope that you know how much we all love and miss you.

Happy Birthday Dad

Tomorrow would have been my Dad's 64th birthday. 


This is from his birthday last year.




I can't put into words how much I miss him. It feels like a piece of me is missing.

Sometimes it's more like a loop than a line

Progress is not always a straight line forward, especially when it comes to dealing with my grief. Today is 8 months since my Dad passed away. I imagine there are people who think I should be "over it" by now. It might not make sense to others how I've been seemingly fine for most of the summer, but yesterday I spent the day feeling depressed and often tearing up.

Yesterday was the last day for my grief group. The topic we discussed was the acceptance stage of grieving. I think to some people acceptance means that it's okay with you. But actually it just means to accept that your loss is real and has altered your life. Without my Dad, my life is changed. I accept that. I also accept that he's really gone. Most of the time anyway.

7 months of therapy has provided me with some tools for coping. It's helped me to see that there is a process for grieving and what I am feeling is normal. I think I've been dealing with losing my Dad in a healthy way.

But all that doesn't stop me from feeling blindsided by the pain at times. I expect to hurt on days where I especially miss his presence. But it comes from unexpected places at times. A few days ago, my husband bought clementines. It's just a fruit. It shouldn't mean anything to me. But it does because my Dad loved them. Those little orange fruits sitting in our fruit bowl hurt me every time I walk past them. It's silly and it's something that's unique to me. I doubt that it even occurs to anyone else in my household that this might bother me.

It's the little things that hurt and the bigger things too. Abby's birthday was this past weekend. Normally we would have celebrated her birthday and my Dad's together. I felt his absence this weekend more than I have at any other birthday gathering we've had in 2010.

As I look around my house cataloging my "to-do list", I think of the things I would have asked his advice about or those that he would have helped me with. I realize how much I relied on him for those things. I might not have enjoyed his advice before as he quite often blurred the line between helpful and bossy. But what I wouldn't give him to hear it now. I can hear him in my head as I look up at our living room ceiling "Did ya paint that ceiling yet?". As I walk down the stairs to the garage and notice some drywall damage I hear him say "That'll probably need two coats of spackle and make sure you sand it good". When I know I have a bunch of phone calls to make, I hear him say "Call 'em at 10. They're awake, but they're not thinking about lunch yet".

I have a bank of Dad's advice in my head to draw from when the expected happens, but what about the unexpected? What about when I feel lost? My Dad's role in my life was to fix things. He fixed my problems whether they were damaged drywall, stupid decisions I made, or times when I lost my way. I always knew I could call him up or just stand by him when he worked on a project and get his advice.

Right now I feel lost and I can't ask Dad what to do. I can't get the kind of advice he gave me from anyone else. And that compounds feeling lost with the feeling of loss. The first of everything without Dad has been hard this year, but time coming up is especially painful for me. A week from today is Dad's birthday. I can't believe that he won't be here to celebrate it with us. The time is coming up when only a year ago he was visibly sick. He was losing his voice. He looked different. He acted different. He started to not be the Daddy I always knew. That time was horribly painful for me. Probably too painful to think about a whole lot until now.

So while from the outside it might not make sense why after a couple months of doing seemingly well, I'm suddenly not doing well anymore....this is the reason why. I feel like hiding. I feel like ignoring my phone when it rings. I feel like not logging in. I feel like laying in bed crying instead of hanging out with friends. I'm going to give myself permission to cry when I need to. To cancel plans when I can't put on a smile for everyone else. To spend time journaling rather than folding laundry. Because I'm still working through my grief. I'm still going through the process...even though my progress is not something that moves in a straight line.

More graduation photos

Me & my hubby who was my biggest support in this journey.




A sea of graduates.




Me & my godparents (also my parents best friends)





With my Mom and sister

On the eve of my graduation....

So here I am on the eve of my graduation from college.  I have a lot of thoughts and am feeling a lot of different things.  Pride. Accomplishment. Excitement. Sadness. Disappointment. Denial.

It's taken a lot for me to get here.  I took my first class in the fall of 1994. It was a bankruptcy law class at a community college.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with my son.  I have gone to school off and on for 15 1/2 years in hopes of finishing my bachelor's degree. That's almost half of my life. In the time that I have been in school I have had 2 children, gotten married, had cancer, lost my father to cancer, dealt with Abby's various health problems, sold and bought a house, had undiagnosed sleep apnea and even had the swine flu.  I feel like every semester I have had some problem I have had to go to a professor (or three) with and ask for understanding.  For someone who has social anxiety disorder that has not been an easy task. I have taken more finals than I can count.  Written more papers than I remember. Made dean's list and also failed classes. 

It's been a struggle but I never I gave up. Not even when I faced my biggest challenge....losing my Dad.  When I lost him in November, it was a very difficult time to be taking finals and putting the finishing touches on projects and papers.  I thought about not going back for the spring semester. But I was so close to graduating.  Before my Dad died, I had applied for graduation and knew I was going to graduate in May. For him I needed to follow through as planned.  It has been a very difficult semester for me and it certainly is not a shining example of the work I am capable of. But I survived it.

And I will survive tomorrow as well. It will be very hard for me to go to graduation tomorrow and not see his face in the crowd. His approval meant more to me than I would like to admit. I would give nearly anything to hear him say to me tomorrow that he was proud of me.  I would give nearly anything to pose for pictures for with him wearing my cap and gown.

In the past few months I have wrestled with decision to walk across that stage tomorrow.  I know it will be one of the most joyous and hardest things I have done. Certainly I am proud of myself and it only feels right to recognize this accomplishment.  But it will be hard because it is not going to be how I dreamed it would be.  People tell me that my Dad will be watching and he'll be there in spirit.  I know that's true.  I know he'll be there in my heart.  I know he'll be there in my Mom's heart and my sister's and my children's.  But the pain will be there too. Sometimes things in life are bittersweet.  This is defintely one of those things.

I have cried a lot of tears in the past few months as well.  Missing my Dad has been a physical pain for me.  I think tomorrow will be the hardest "without Dad" milestone I have crossed yet.  But I know he would be proud.  I know he believed in me.

If you were to ask me what I learned in the past 15 years of off and on school, I would tell you the things you'd expect to hear: perserverance, critical thinking, study what you are passionate about and of course, don't procrastinate.  The most important lesson I learned though is that there is no project, no paper or test that could ever be more important than your family. Those of us who are older "non-traditional" students know the sacrifices that need to be made to be successful in our studies.  You miss dinner with your family, family events, sleep, time with your children, Valentine's Day parties at your child's school.  You do all that with the drive to make a better life for your family. You do it to be a good example for your children. To give yourself a sense of satisifaction.  Can I share a secret with you?  My biggest regret about how I handled my Dad's illness was the time I devoted to writing that perfect paper rather than sitting with him and talking those last 2 months of his life. The last day I saw him conscious, I almost didn't go.  I was so busy and overwhelmed with school that I almost missed out on those precious few hours with him. I'm here to tell you that those papers never should have been more important that my family.  And although I am about to begin that next chapter by pursuing my master's degree, I will never put those papers over my family again.

I certainly have to juggle my roles as wife, mother and student very carefully.  But there has to be a better way.  And my goal for the next chapter of my life is to find that way.  Because the other important thing I learned about myself is that I am in love with learning.  And I know Dad will be watching tomorrow, just as know that he'll be watching me this fall as I walk back onto campus as a graduate student.  I know he'd be proud. 

Magnificent Milestones

Yesterday my niece turned 6 months.








Today my "baby boy" is 15!





Today was also my last day of finals, papers, everything. Now all I have to do is graduate.

2000-2009 Decade in Review

The last decade in review:

*started off of 2000 by getting out of a bad relationship.
*dated my co-worker, who would become my husband about 19 months later.
*gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
*worked 3 years at the Circuit Clerk's which taught me so much about life, people and the career I'd want.
*saw my 2 best friends get married. Was maid of honor for one of those weddings.
*reconnected with one of my best friends from high school.
*lost 110 pounds, gained it back after my cancer diagnosis.
*saw my friends become parents.
*watched my little sister become a teacher, a wife, and now a mother.
*had 3 surgeries: gallbladder and 2 lobectomies to remove my thyroid, 2 parathyroid gland and the tumor hiding in them.
*had radioactive iodine therapy and spent some really difficult time isolated from my family.
*was diagnosed with Stage III thyroid cancer and kicked its butt.
*made some new, amazing friends.
*sold my 1st home and bought our current home.
*earned my Associate's of Art.
*lost my great aunt, grandmother, 3 grandparents-in-law, a friend and my Dad.
*saw my son grow from a preschooler to a teenager.
*took some cool trips to: Las Vegas, San Francisco, Jamaica, and the Carolinas.
*became an aunt.
*was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
*decided that I want to be an anthropologist when I grow up.
*celebrated 8 years of marriage.
*through marriage, gained the brothers I never had but always wanted.
*rebuilt some bridges that I thought I'd burned.
*learned a lot of life lessons and realized that there are SO many more out there to learn.

The Great Race

Wednesday, Abby, Josh and my best friend Amy ran in The Viking Sunset 5K (for the adults) and kid's race (for Abby). It was amazing to see our daughter who just 6 months ago could not walk running in a race around the Geneva high school track. Just a couple short months ago, Abby was not even able to run. I am SO proud of how hard she has worked to rehabilitate her leg and how far she has come. Yay Abby!

This was the first time Amy ran a 5K so it was really cool to see her make that accomplishment. It's so neat to have a friend that I have known most of my life and get to witness many of each other's milestones. Although Josh has completed a 5K and a triathlon, this was the first time I actually saw him cross the finish line. I was really proud of my husband! I will not understand the joy that they get from running on purpose, but I am proud of them for taking it on.

On to the photos:

Waiting for the kid's lap to start

With her Daddy

Getting to ready to run



Josh and Amy before the 5K




Coming towards the finish line!

8th Grade Recognition Night

Rather than having a graduation ceremony, Evan's junior high had a recognition night to celebrate the end of 8th grade.  Basically it boiled down to a very l-o-n-g slide show and recognizing everyone who made honor roll, perfect attendance, etc. Afterwards we went out to dinner to hang out with Evan.  I didn't get the best pictures because:

A) My camera is on the fritz.

B) The lighting in there sucked and we sat in the nosebleed section.

Lots of people!

Brownies!

No, not the kind you eat....Brownie Scouts. This Tuesday Abby "bridged" from Daisies to Brownies. They had a nice little ceremony in the park in town which has an actual bridge for them to walk over.


The whole troop:



Bridging over...




Singing a song together...

Abby's 1st play

Abby was in her 1st school play today. Naturally Josh and I were there to watch her big performance. She was an Indian girl in a play about the 1st Thanksgiving. So cute!

Birthday photos

Last Sunday my parents threw me a little party at their house. It was just the family (us, Mom, Dad, Aunt Joan, my sis and brother-in-law).

Abby made me cupcakes which was sort of like an art project for her.


Most of the group:


On my actual birthday...

These flowers were my gift to myself. I have been treating myself (or all of us, but me & Abby are the most appreciative) to fresh flowers every week or two. I try to pick something that will last a week or two.


After my French exam, Josh took me out for French toast. The Lincoln Inn in DeKalb has the best.


Opening my gifts. Josh & the kids "scrapped" me a page with their photos on it. That was my favorite gift!


My birthday dinner. Stuffed pizza from Vinny's.


And most importantly, the cake!


Abby being silly because she was all high on steroids for her asthma:


The Orr clan. Notice how reluctant Evan is to be in the picture.


Me, Josh and Matt. Matt might as well be part of the family because he's like a brother to us.




The End.

Anniversary pics

For our anniversary we went to the museum at NIU to see the Burma exhibit which was amazing. Then we had lunch at Ellington's at NIU which was just fabulous. For dinner we went to the Stratford Inn where we had our wedding reception 7 years ago. That was really special and full of wonderful memories.

Josh gave me a gorgeous pink sapphire pendant that you might see in these photos. I love it!