On the eve of my graduation....

So here I am on the eve of my graduation from college.  I have a lot of thoughts and am feeling a lot of different things.  Pride. Accomplishment. Excitement. Sadness. Disappointment. Denial.

It's taken a lot for me to get here.  I took my first class in the fall of 1994. It was a bankruptcy law class at a community college.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with my son.  I have gone to school off and on for 15 1/2 years in hopes of finishing my bachelor's degree. That's almost half of my life. In the time that I have been in school I have had 2 children, gotten married, had cancer, lost my father to cancer, dealt with Abby's various health problems, sold and bought a house, had undiagnosed sleep apnea and even had the swine flu.  I feel like every semester I have had some problem I have had to go to a professor (or three) with and ask for understanding.  For someone who has social anxiety disorder that has not been an easy task. I have taken more finals than I can count.  Written more papers than I remember. Made dean's list and also failed classes. 

It's been a struggle but I never I gave up. Not even when I faced my biggest challenge....losing my Dad.  When I lost him in November, it was a very difficult time to be taking finals and putting the finishing touches on projects and papers.  I thought about not going back for the spring semester. But I was so close to graduating.  Before my Dad died, I had applied for graduation and knew I was going to graduate in May. For him I needed to follow through as planned.  It has been a very difficult semester for me and it certainly is not a shining example of the work I am capable of. But I survived it.

And I will survive tomorrow as well. It will be very hard for me to go to graduation tomorrow and not see his face in the crowd. His approval meant more to me than I would like to admit. I would give nearly anything to hear him say to me tomorrow that he was proud of me.  I would give nearly anything to pose for pictures for with him wearing my cap and gown.

In the past few months I have wrestled with decision to walk across that stage tomorrow.  I know it will be one of the most joyous and hardest things I have done. Certainly I am proud of myself and it only feels right to recognize this accomplishment.  But it will be hard because it is not going to be how I dreamed it would be.  People tell me that my Dad will be watching and he'll be there in spirit.  I know that's true.  I know he'll be there in my heart.  I know he'll be there in my Mom's heart and my sister's and my children's.  But the pain will be there too. Sometimes things in life are bittersweet.  This is defintely one of those things.

I have cried a lot of tears in the past few months as well.  Missing my Dad has been a physical pain for me.  I think tomorrow will be the hardest "without Dad" milestone I have crossed yet.  But I know he would be proud.  I know he believed in me.

If you were to ask me what I learned in the past 15 years of off and on school, I would tell you the things you'd expect to hear: perserverance, critical thinking, study what you are passionate about and of course, don't procrastinate.  The most important lesson I learned though is that there is no project, no paper or test that could ever be more important than your family. Those of us who are older "non-traditional" students know the sacrifices that need to be made to be successful in our studies.  You miss dinner with your family, family events, sleep, time with your children, Valentine's Day parties at your child's school.  You do all that with the drive to make a better life for your family. You do it to be a good example for your children. To give yourself a sense of satisifaction.  Can I share a secret with you?  My biggest regret about how I handled my Dad's illness was the time I devoted to writing that perfect paper rather than sitting with him and talking those last 2 months of his life. The last day I saw him conscious, I almost didn't go.  I was so busy and overwhelmed with school that I almost missed out on those precious few hours with him. I'm here to tell you that those papers never should have been more important that my family.  And although I am about to begin that next chapter by pursuing my master's degree, I will never put those papers over my family again.

I certainly have to juggle my roles as wife, mother and student very carefully.  But there has to be a better way.  And my goal for the next chapter of my life is to find that way.  Because the other important thing I learned about myself is that I am in love with learning.  And I know Dad will be watching tomorrow, just as know that he'll be watching me this fall as I walk back onto campus as a graduate student.  I know he'd be proud.