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Friday, July 30, 2010

The Abc's of me

A- ACCENT: Typical Midwestern US.

B - BEST FRIEND: My hubby

C - CHORE YOU HATE: laundry

D - DAD'S NAME: Alan

E - ESSENTIAL MAKE-UP ITEM: mascara

F - FAVORITE PERFUME: I love perfume oils from Somethin Special like waffle cone, coconut cupcake and cotton candy.

G - GOLD OR SILVER: Both

H - HOMETOWN: Roselle

I - INSOMNIA: Sometimes

J - JOB TITLE: stay at home mom, grad student

K - KIDS: Yep, Evan: 15 and Abby: 8

L - LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: with my hubby, our kiddos, our dog and the cat.

M - MOM'S BIRTHPLACE: Chicago

N - NUMBER OF APPLES YOU'VE EATEN: Like this week or what?  I dunno.

O - OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: 6 for myself plus 2 times that I stayed with Abby.

P - PHOBIA: small spaces, mice

Q - QUEST: good health and peace

R - RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: nothing official, but if I have to check off a box I'd say unitarian universalist

S - SIBLINGS: 1 sister who is 27, 3 brothers in law

T - TIME YOU WAKE UP: around 7ish, but I often snooze and snuggle with my Abby while we watch cartoons in the morning.

U - UNNATURAL HAIR COLORS YOU'VE WORN: pink

V - VEGETABLE YOU REFUSE TO EAT: brussel sprouts

W - WORST HABIT: oh dear, where to start...

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Xrays: wrist, chest, ankle. CT scan of head. Ultrasounds of abdomen and neck. And of course the super fun whole body iodine uptake scans. That probably about covers it.

Y - YUMMY FOODS YOU MAKE: I do not cook.

Z - ZANY QUIRK: I like to pick at things, like zits.  Yeah I know I shouldn't...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

My Review of Roll Tab Capris

Originally submitted at Avenue.com

The Capri length everyone loves today. In slub jersey for fashion and fit. Great details -- wide waistband with a button, drawstring, zip close, pockets at sides of legs, button tab cuffs. Knit. Imported.

  • Cotton Slub Jersey. Machine wash.
  • 22" Inseam.

Cute Capris, but weird fit.

By Megan from IL on 7/29/2010

 

3out of 5

Waist: Feels too big

Length: Feels true to length

Pros: Washes Well, Comfortable, Wrinkle-Free, Great Color

Cons: Poor Fit

Best Uses: Casual Wear

Describe Yourself: Casual Dresser

I like the material of these capris. They are lightweight which is perfect for the hot summer we've been having. I like that although they are knit, they have a button/zipper closure. I also like the cargo pockets. I ordered a size down for my usual size because I have noticed lately that Avenue's pants seem to be running big. When I first put these on, they felt tight in the waist and hips. However just a couple hours later, I was struggling to keep them up. The waist and hips seems to stretch out a good bit while you wear them but the legs do not. This provides a weird feeling fit. I am not returning these but I have to be careful to wear a long top over them to hide the bagginess in the waist.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sometimes it's more like a loop than a line

Progress is not always a straight line forward, especially when it comes to dealing with my grief. Today is 8 months since my Dad passed away. I imagine there are people who think I should be "over it" by now. It might not make sense to others how I've been seemingly fine for most of the summer, but yesterday I spent the day feeling depressed and often tearing up.

Yesterday was the last day for my grief group. The topic we discussed was the acceptance stage of grieving. I think to some people acceptance means that it's okay with you. But actually it just means to accept that your loss is real and has altered your life. Without my Dad, my life is changed. I accept that. I also accept that he's really gone. Most of the time anyway.

7 months of therapy has provided me with some tools for coping. It's helped me to see that there is a process for grieving and what I am feeling is normal. I think I've been dealing with losing my Dad in a healthy way.

But all that doesn't stop me from feeling blindsided by the pain at times. I expect to hurt on days where I especially miss his presence. But it comes from unexpected places at times. A few days ago, my husband bought clementines. It's just a fruit. It shouldn't mean anything to me. But it does because my Dad loved them. Those little orange fruits sitting in our fruit bowl hurt me every time I walk past them. It's silly and it's something that's unique to me. I doubt that it even occurs to anyone else in my household that this might bother me.

It's the little things that hurt and the bigger things too. Abby's birthday was this past weekend. Normally we would have celebrated her birthday and my Dad's together. I felt his absence this weekend more than I have at any other birthday gathering we've had in 2010.

As I look around my house cataloging my "to-do list", I think of the things I would have asked his advice about or those that he would have helped me with. I realize how much I relied on him for those things. I might not have enjoyed his advice before as he quite often blurred the line between helpful and bossy. But what I wouldn't give him to hear it now. I can hear him in my head as I look up at our living room ceiling "Did ya paint that ceiling yet?". As I walk down the stairs to the garage and notice some drywall damage I hear him say "That'll probably need two coats of spackle and make sure you sand it good". When I know I have a bunch of phone calls to make, I hear him say "Call 'em at 10. They're awake, but they're not thinking about lunch yet".

I have a bank of Dad's advice in my head to draw from when the expected happens, but what about the unexpected? What about when I feel lost? My Dad's role in my life was to fix things. He fixed my problems whether they were damaged drywall, stupid decisions I made, or times when I lost my way. I always knew I could call him up or just stand by him when he worked on a project and get his advice.

Right now I feel lost and I can't ask Dad what to do. I can't get the kind of advice he gave me from anyone else. And that compounds feeling lost with the feeling of loss. The first of everything without Dad has been hard this year, but time coming up is especially painful for me. A week from today is Dad's birthday. I can't believe that he won't be here to celebrate it with us. The time is coming up when only a year ago he was visibly sick. He was losing his voice. He looked different. He acted different. He started to not be the Daddy I always knew. That time was horribly painful for me. Probably too painful to think about a whole lot until now.

So while from the outside it might not make sense why after a couple months of doing seemingly well, I'm suddenly not doing well anymore....this is the reason why. I feel like hiding. I feel like ignoring my phone when it rings. I feel like not logging in. I feel like laying in bed crying instead of hanging out with friends. I'm going to give myself permission to cry when I need to. To cancel plans when I can't put on a smile for everyone else. To spend time journaling rather than folding laundry. Because I'm still working through my grief. I'm still going through the process...even though my progress is not something that moves in a straight line.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Summer Fun

After seeing her either in a cast or a brace for so long, it's been SO nice to see Abby doing normal kid stuff. She's finally able to play at the park and do most activities there. Just wanted to share some photos of her playing.




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Friday, July 16, 2010

Helmets, mopey teenagers and tonsils the size of Godzilla

So I am sick today. Which sucks because it's summer. My throat hurts, my body aches, I'm tired. I just want to rest. But one kids is acting all angsty and disagreeable and the other is acting like Phillip:






I cannot wait until Daddy comes home today!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Remission Anniversary #4

Tuesday was my my 4th time celebrating the moment I found out my cancer was in remission.  Traditionally we make it a family day and do something fun outside together. This year it was really hot with no breeze outside which limited our time outside, but we still had a great time.

Evan had to go to summer school for the half the day and Josh had to work a 1/2 day. So Abby and I enjoyed a lazy morning in our pj's watching cartoons. Then we went and picked up the guys to have a beautiful picnic. We went to a butterfly exhibit at The Peck Road Farm in Geneva. We also enjoyed some sno cones and went swimming. After Abby went to bed, Evan babysat for us so we could grab some margaritas with some friends at Eduardo's. It was a really great day. We did a lot of fun things and the kids behaved excellently.

My remission anniversary is more important to me than my birthday. Being born was easy. Kicking cancer's butt took a lot more effort on my part.


Some photos of the day....


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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A little update

I haven't been writing much lately because I have been busy away from my computer enjoying the summer. Abby and I have been spending a lot of time at the pool. We have also been pretty busy with various medical appointments but luckily that has reached a lull and we don't have any more to worry about until the fall. Abby is still going for physical therapy weekly as she works to build her muscles back up in her leg after so long of them being either in a cast or brace. Swimming is really helpful for getting those muscles strong again.



We recently discovered a cool sno cone place that we've been visiting often.

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On Sunday (in between thunderstorms) Abby helped the Daisy troop at her school "bridge over". She also received her patches for the year. While I am not particularly looking forward to sewing them on, I can't wait to see her sash with more patches on it. Here are a couple of photos from that day...



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Waiting to walk over the bridge:

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Receiving her patches from her troop leader:

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Book Review: Fieldwork

I picked up this book after seeing a review somewhere and didn't expect a whole lot. Other books I have read with an anthropologist character have been rather disappointing as far as focusing on anthropology. This book however lived up to that promise. As I was reading it, I felt sure that it was written by a cultural anthropologist. The author however is a journalist who really did his research.

Fieldwork is novel about the journalist, an anthropologist, missionaries and a fictional tribe in Thailand. After having followed his girlfriend to Thailand, journalist Mischa winds up entangled in the mysterious suicide of anthropologist Martiya van der Leun and the murder of missionary David Walker. As he delves into Martiya's past, he becomes almost obsessed with finding out who she was and why she was in prison convicted of David's murder.

I highly recommend this book if you have an interest in anthropology or just want a good mystery read for the beach. I'd give this book an A.