But I'm not even on the list

I always have a to-do list, a to-do pile, or a to-do bin.  There's always something on my list to get done. I recently organized my desk because even though I'm done with school for now, I am sitting there often working on something. There's always a form to fill out, an appointment to make, or something to figure out. I juggle the kids appointments, my doctor appointments, their various activities as well as trying to keep some semblance of a social life. I love the Google calendar feature.  I could not live without it. I use it to track all our appointments.  I have it send me reminders.  And yet, I still forget things.  Probably because my calendar is always dotted with things to-do. And if you don't look at the list, well it's easy to forget what's on it.

I started going to therapy to deal with my grief. As I gain a better handle on that, my anxiety disorder seems to feel the space that grief once occupied. Anxiety fills that space and bubbles over into every area of my life. So now I have an additional therapy goal...get a hold on that anxiety. Every week, my therapist tells me I need to take time for myself.  I need to relax.  Maybe clear up that Google calendar a little bit. I try.  I think of taking a "me day".  But there are errands to do, laundry to fold, a kitchen to clean. After all I'm the mom.  I have to take care of my family before I do anything fun right? That's how I was raised.  Do your work, then relax.  The problem is that the work never ends.  The to-do list easily refills itself.

So I examine my to-do list.  Surely it's filled with important things that cannot wait.  And I realize I am not on that list.  I even change my doctor appointments to accomodate other people or to make things more convienent. The truth is staring at back at me in my all-important calendar, it is evident in what's not in my to-do pile or on my to-do list.  Not only do I not put myself first, I do not even put myself on the list.

And I don't think I'm alone.  I think maybe it's a "mom thing". I think that maybe we are hard-wired to believe we have to take care of everyone else first. But if we were on an airplane and those oxygen masks dropped, we would have to put on our mask before we could help our children or our husband right?  So why not apply that in daily life?  If I don't take care of myself, my health both mental and physical then how can I care for anyone else?  So this is me, announcing to the world...I'm putting on my oxygen mask first.  I'm putting me on the to-do list. The laundry can wait.  It'll still be there tomorrow.

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Currently reading:

She loves me

I adore bath crayons. True, they are hard to scrub off. They are easy to trip on. But I love my daughter's artwork in the shower. I love waking up to this message "I love you more. I win".




And here she is showing off her new outfit.






And here is the bizarre little doll she's been playing with. It's a bendy happy face guy wearing a disney princess polly pocket dress with a wig made out of construction paper and affixed with packing tape.

My way of remembering

The ring I bought from Etsy to remember my Dad came today. I am very pleased with it. I'm not awesome at taking pictures, but I did take some so I could share. It's hammered silver and the inscription is stamped on the inside "Daddy, always in my heart". It also has a heart on the outside.

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I love it. Very funny read if you are a mom.

Today's happiness...

My boy and his BFF (bestest furry friend).

Mother's Day Brunch

I hope all you moms had a lovely Mother's Day! We had a very nice brunch at our house. My wonderful husband cooked up some goodies for us and we enjoyed hanging out. I also got to see my beautiful niece do her new trick---sitting up!

My daughter made me some cute things from school. Those are the gifts I treasure most. I also got a beautiful pair of garnet earrings from hubby and the kids.


Some photos from our day...


Me & my Mom.





Beautiful baby girl doing her new "trick"...





Brunch...






Kids

More graduation photos

Me & my hubby who was my biggest support in this journey.




A sea of graduates.




Me & my godparents (also my parents best friends)





With my Mom and sister

It's funny how things turn out sometimes...

It was in August 1997 that I first set foot on the NIU campus as a student. I remember how exciting that first day felt.  I felt like a dream was coming true for me.  I figured in just a couple of years I'd graduate. I never foresaw all the hurdles that would get in my way between that day and today. It's funny how things turn out.

Today has not at all gone in the way I expected it to go.  I had expected to fight back tears all day because I miss my Dad.  I expected to make the best of it so I didn't have any regrets later. Then I wanted to have a nice low-key lunch with family & friends at my favorite restaurant.

After being up until 11pm last night cleaning my house in preparation for the weekend festivities, I faced a sleepless night.  Not out of excitement, but because my back hurt me. And our daughter was up a couple of times complaning of her ear hurting. I actually woke up before my alarm went off today.  I woke up and I was only able to stand at a 75 degree angle until I rubbed some icy hot into my back muscles.  As we were getting ready to go to campus, I found out that the last of my friends I'd invited to the ceremony had to cancel. Sigh, I was disappointed that none of my friends would be there, but I also understood.

One block before reaching the convo center for the ceremony, Abby announced she was sick and needed to throw up.  She did, all over my new car.  (Yes I consider 10 months old to still be new) And then we were late and not sure what to even do about the ceremony.  Since my godparents had driven out from the suburbs to be there for me, I couldn't very well call them up and tell them I wasn't going.  So off we went. I went to line up with the other grads, wondering if Abby was upstairs puking or if someone was taking her to see the doctor.

Rather than being sad about my Dad, I worried about Abby. And then I didn't.  I just tried to be in the moment.  After all I deserved that moment and before I knew it, it was over. And I didn't cry. I felt sort of peaceful actually.

Abby was fine through the ceremony and we even managed to take a few pictures afterwards before the Convo employees gave us the boot. On the way home from the ceremony though, we had to stop every few blocks for Abby to get out and puke. So we had to cancel those lunch reservations.

I was feeling sorry for myself.  I was feeling such a huge sense of disappointment. But then my husband, my Mom and my sister saved the day. Josh took Abby to the doctor where she was diagnosed with an ear infection. And the rest of the family went out for lunch. They took care of me. And it was a nice low-key lunch, with plenty of happy baby smiles from my niece, sweet thoughtful gifts from my family and what I needed the most...their company. It's funny how things turn out sometimes.

My graduation day didn't turn out how I thought it would, but I got what I needed. I got my degree.  I got my graduation experience.  And most importantly, I got to be with my family.  And now I know I have a friend who loves me enough to watch my graduation ceremony live online.  Thank you Alycia.  You win a special place in my heart for doing that.





my graduation dress...

On the eve of my graduation....

So here I am on the eve of my graduation from college.  I have a lot of thoughts and am feeling a lot of different things.  Pride. Accomplishment. Excitement. Sadness. Disappointment. Denial.

It's taken a lot for me to get here.  I took my first class in the fall of 1994. It was a bankruptcy law class at a community college.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with my son.  I have gone to school off and on for 15 1/2 years in hopes of finishing my bachelor's degree. That's almost half of my life. In the time that I have been in school I have had 2 children, gotten married, had cancer, lost my father to cancer, dealt with Abby's various health problems, sold and bought a house, had undiagnosed sleep apnea and even had the swine flu.  I feel like every semester I have had some problem I have had to go to a professor (or three) with and ask for understanding.  For someone who has social anxiety disorder that has not been an easy task. I have taken more finals than I can count.  Written more papers than I remember. Made dean's list and also failed classes. 

It's been a struggle but I never I gave up. Not even when I faced my biggest challenge....losing my Dad.  When I lost him in November, it was a very difficult time to be taking finals and putting the finishing touches on projects and papers.  I thought about not going back for the spring semester. But I was so close to graduating.  Before my Dad died, I had applied for graduation and knew I was going to graduate in May. For him I needed to follow through as planned.  It has been a very difficult semester for me and it certainly is not a shining example of the work I am capable of. But I survived it.

And I will survive tomorrow as well. It will be very hard for me to go to graduation tomorrow and not see his face in the crowd. His approval meant more to me than I would like to admit. I would give nearly anything to hear him say to me tomorrow that he was proud of me.  I would give nearly anything to pose for pictures for with him wearing my cap and gown.

In the past few months I have wrestled with decision to walk across that stage tomorrow.  I know it will be one of the most joyous and hardest things I have done. Certainly I am proud of myself and it only feels right to recognize this accomplishment.  But it will be hard because it is not going to be how I dreamed it would be.  People tell me that my Dad will be watching and he'll be there in spirit.  I know that's true.  I know he'll be there in my heart.  I know he'll be there in my Mom's heart and my sister's and my children's.  But the pain will be there too. Sometimes things in life are bittersweet.  This is defintely one of those things.

I have cried a lot of tears in the past few months as well.  Missing my Dad has been a physical pain for me.  I think tomorrow will be the hardest "without Dad" milestone I have crossed yet.  But I know he would be proud.  I know he believed in me.

If you were to ask me what I learned in the past 15 years of off and on school, I would tell you the things you'd expect to hear: perserverance, critical thinking, study what you are passionate about and of course, don't procrastinate.  The most important lesson I learned though is that there is no project, no paper or test that could ever be more important than your family. Those of us who are older "non-traditional" students know the sacrifices that need to be made to be successful in our studies.  You miss dinner with your family, family events, sleep, time with your children, Valentine's Day parties at your child's school.  You do all that with the drive to make a better life for your family. You do it to be a good example for your children. To give yourself a sense of satisifaction.  Can I share a secret with you?  My biggest regret about how I handled my Dad's illness was the time I devoted to writing that perfect paper rather than sitting with him and talking those last 2 months of his life. The last day I saw him conscious, I almost didn't go.  I was so busy and overwhelmed with school that I almost missed out on those precious few hours with him. I'm here to tell you that those papers never should have been more important that my family.  And although I am about to begin that next chapter by pursuing my master's degree, I will never put those papers over my family again.

I certainly have to juggle my roles as wife, mother and student very carefully.  But there has to be a better way.  And my goal for the next chapter of my life is to find that way.  Because the other important thing I learned about myself is that I am in love with learning.  And I know Dad will be watching tomorrow, just as know that he'll be watching me this fall as I walk back onto campus as a graduate student.  I know he'd be proud. 

Hair

I got my hair cut, dyed and highlighted today and my brows waxed. It felt awesome to have someone else do all the work since I usually color my hair myself.

BEFORE:








AFTER:










Also, just started reading this book which I love.

Magnificent Milestones

Yesterday my niece turned 6 months.








Today my "baby boy" is 15!





Today was also my last day of finals, papers, everything. Now all I have to do is graduate.

Monday puppy cuteness

Nothing to say, just wanted to share my BFF (best furry friend) Gracie. I love her to pieces.

In the "garden"

Abby and I have been planting some flowers in our flower pots. Today we put in snapdragons and petunias. Abby has her own gloves, shovel and flower seeds. She loves to help me out with gardening.












This little baby bunny paid us a visit recently. He (or she) was hiding out in the weeds.