But I'm not even on the list

I always have a to-do list, a to-do pile, or a to-do bin.  There's always something on my list to get done. I recently organized my desk because even though I'm done with school for now, I am sitting there often working on something. There's always a form to fill out, an appointment to make, or something to figure out. I juggle the kids appointments, my doctor appointments, their various activities as well as trying to keep some semblance of a social life. I love the Google calendar feature.  I could not live without it. I use it to track all our appointments.  I have it send me reminders.  And yet, I still forget things.  Probably because my calendar is always dotted with things to-do. And if you don't look at the list, well it's easy to forget what's on it.

I started going to therapy to deal with my grief. As I gain a better handle on that, my anxiety disorder seems to feel the space that grief once occupied. Anxiety fills that space and bubbles over into every area of my life. So now I have an additional therapy goal...get a hold on that anxiety. Every week, my therapist tells me I need to take time for myself.  I need to relax.  Maybe clear up that Google calendar a little bit. I try.  I think of taking a "me day".  But there are errands to do, laundry to fold, a kitchen to clean. After all I'm the mom.  I have to take care of my family before I do anything fun right? That's how I was raised.  Do your work, then relax.  The problem is that the work never ends.  The to-do list easily refills itself.

So I examine my to-do list.  Surely it's filled with important things that cannot wait.  And I realize I am not on that list.  I even change my doctor appointments to accomodate other people or to make things more convienent. The truth is staring at back at me in my all-important calendar, it is evident in what's not in my to-do pile or on my to-do list.  Not only do I not put myself first, I do not even put myself on the list.

And I don't think I'm alone.  I think maybe it's a "mom thing". I think that maybe we are hard-wired to believe we have to take care of everyone else first. But if we were on an airplane and those oxygen masks dropped, we would have to put on our mask before we could help our children or our husband right?  So why not apply that in daily life?  If I don't take care of myself, my health both mental and physical then how can I care for anyone else?  So this is me, announcing to the world...I'm putting on my oxygen mask first.  I'm putting me on the to-do list. The laundry can wait.  It'll still be there tomorrow.