Lots of balls in the air right now

The reason I named this blog "Juggling it all" is because I feel like I'm always juggling different roles and responsibilities in my life. It's never just one thing and it's never calm. And right now is no exception...so here's an update of sorts.

I am working on making and dealing with big changes in my life. The biggest thing is dealing with losing my Dad. Up until recently I have been in shock and survival mode. With time and therapy, I feel like I'm able to start grieving. It's been rough. I find that I cry a lot. And I find that I don't feel sure who I can talk to anymore. It seems that there's a timeframe of how long it's acceptable to other people to talk about crisis or tragedy in your life. Although I do have a couple of people I can talk to, I feel like with most people the window of acceptability for talking about my loss has closed. I struggle with my sadness, the sense of emptiness and trying to make sense of a life without one of the most important people to me. My therapist says I can still have a relationship with my Dad even though he's gone. I'm not sure that entirely makes sense to me, but I'm trying to understand how that will work.

I am also making some big health changes. I'm not going to pretty this up...we all know I'm fat. I have a lot of weight to lose. My weight is something I have struggled with my whole life. I did have a block of time in my life where I was truly happy with my weight until my thyroid decided to screw that up for me. I've been on the South Beach diet for a few weeks now and have lost 10.5 pounds. (Yes I have to mention that 1/2 pound because to me...every ounce counts) I haven't been perfect on the diet, because let's face it changing your eating habits completely is a struggle. Especially if like me, you are an emotional eater. Even harder when you have a lot of emotions you'd like to eat.

On top of eating better, I am dealing with the effects of being this size. I have been afraid for a long time of having a diabetes test. I finally sucked it up and had a full physical. I am super thankful that I do not have diabetes but I realize that if I don't make changes I will have it someday. I do have high blood pressure which I am now taking medicine for. That is disappointing to me, but at least I'm getting it under control. The biggest change is that I have been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. This involves using a cpap machine every night when I sleep. It forces air down my airway which sort of props open my airway so I don't stop breathing. During my sleep study, I stopped breathing 90 times in an hour. Kinda bad. I am struggling to get used to my cpap and working out some kinks with it, but I am very much looking forward to getting some real sleep.

Another big change is that I'm about to graduate. Eeek, out into the real world. Sort of. I had always planned to go to graduate school immediately following my Bachelor's degree. But after the way last semester turned out for me, that's not going to work out as planned. I am probably going to have to take a semester off instead unless I win the Lotto or the Publisher's Clearing House shows up at my door with balloons and a big check. I don't have time to get into a graduate program and Uncle Sam will only loan me my tuition money if I'm I get into a graduate program during the semester I'm an "at-large" student. And so, I wait. It's weird for me to think of taking a semester off. I've not electively done so since 1998 when I had to quit school to work full time. I've consistently been in school since 2003.