Why not?

I'm not Catholic but I have decided to give something up starting tomorrow until Easter. I'm hoping that during that time I can let it go forever. I'm giving up my obsessive worry over whether or not my house is clean enough. It's so bad that I have panic attacks before any comes over.  I worry myself into a frenzy and often times it causes me to enjoy any visit less than I should. It's also a habit that drives my husband crazy. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop cleaning.  I'm just going to stop worrying about things being "perfect". Maybe if I'm more zen about it, I'll actually get more done but with less stress.  So here's to seeing what happens....

Progress

I started one of the projects I've been dreading but knew needed to be done. I am refinishing the armoire that my Dad built for me when I was 18 (it was my 18th birthday present).  It's all dinged up and it's a medium oak color that doesn't match anything else in my home. It currently holds our tv, DVD player, and all of our bedding.  I had a really rough day and I felt as though I needed to have a victory.  Starting this was a big breakthrough for me because I have not been able to complete any projects involving my Dad since his death because it's too emotional for me.  But tonight sitting in the garage sanding the drawers for the armoire, I know that I was not alone. I sat on my chair with my sandpaper in my hand and asked aloud, "Should I do this? Is it okay with you Dad?" and then it started to rain.  It poured actually.  I felt like it was my answer from him.  While I was sitting there sanding, I felt his presence quite strongly.  I could smell him. I know how this sounds.  I know it sounds nutty, but this is the first time this has happened and it was a very special gift to me.


My not-so-awesome camera phone photos to show you my progress on the drawer face.



Oh and yes, that is my knee. LOL

BEFORE (with varnish removed)....






DURING (after 1st coat of black/brown paint)...

Operation Getting Healthy: Week 6

I had a really rough week with staying on track, both with emotional eating and making healthy choices while eating out. I was also only able to get to the gym one time, but I was really pleased to see that I was able to swim laps for 1/2 an hour before I got tired. The emotional eating has been hard while I'm dealing with the fact that my cancer might be back. It's my first impulse to go to ice cream or pizza when I'm sad or worried. I'm also really missing my Dad which is making it hard to be good about not emotional eating. Having made this progress though, I do not want to slip up and lose ground.

On Monday I will start the low iodine diet and hypothyroid mess I need to go through for the cancer stuff. It's not that unhealthy things are really allowed on the diet because I can't have dairy or bread that I don't make myself. Those are the places where I'd have a hard time. But being hypothyroid will mean that I'm tired and won't want to work out as much. It will also mean that my body isn't really burning calories. So that will be a challenge. I'm going to have to really focus on my commitment to working out. I plan on going on Tuesdays & Thursdays for sure and one weekend day.


Weight lost: 18.9 pounds!

Stop and smell the roses!

There are miracles in our lives every day. It could be something as simple as a beautiful sunset, a patch of pretty wildflowers or someone saying something cheerful that brightens up our day.  It could be something bigger like finding a long lost friend or relative, or life changing news. It's so easy to be blind to those miracles if you are focused on the junk in life instead. When the miracles reveal themselves, it's an amazing feeling to open your eyes and enjoy that moment. It's those tiny joys that make life so precious.

So do me a favor today, enjoy the beautiful little things in your life.  Even better if you feel like sharing what they are!

Operation Getting Healthy: Week 5

I made a few bad choices and succumbed to emotional eating once or twice, but considering the disappointing news about my lymph nodes I am cutting myself some slack.  Even when I made bad choices, I compensated for it later in the day by eating lower calorie meals.  I have still been logging my calories & exercise on myfitnesspal.com.  I also joined the gym last week and have gone to work out twice.  Working out wasn't easy for me, but I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment.  The first time that I went I swam laps.  I had a hard time hoisting my fat ass out of the pool which was mortifying, but I won't let it stop me from doing it again.  I really enjoy swimming for exercise.  The second time I did the bike and treadmill.  My knees are a little sore today, the day after but hopefully I can get them stronger and take more pressure of them by exercising and losing the weight. 

Overall I'm down 18.1 pounds!  I lost enough weight to need a lower dose of Synthroid.  Woot, woot!

Diving in

I joined a gym on Tuesday.  It's 30 minutes from my house, but it's much nicer than any we have near us.  I wanted something with a pool and the only gym here with a pool & good hours is the YMCA which has a yucky pool and a weird layout. The gym I joined is also where my husband and 4 of our friends are members. So I figure having other people to go with is good thing too.

The experience of signing up was sort of humbling because I had to discuss my weight and goals with a total stranger. And all this took place in front of my husband, so it was further humbling. But I'm glad that I did it. I felt really supported by my husband and by the staff that I encountered there, so it's a positive step. I'm excited about having a place to go and work out regularly.  I plan on swimming laps at first and then moving on to other low impact exercises like the bike or elliptical machine.

It's definitely forcing me to face some anxiety head on too because it's a new routine for me. I feel weird about the changing & showering in the locker room and working out in front of strangers. I also have to go through a personal training session which I'm sure will be helpful but will also be an anxious situation for me. I'm really looking forward to putting the extra effort into getting healthy and getting the weight off. So today I'm going to get that first time over with and I hope that it all goes well. I was going to go today, but I'm have been fighting back a panic attack all morning & am waiting for 2 doctor's offices to call me.  So I'll either go tomorrow or during the weekend when I feel more prepared.

Recharging the batteries

Although I'm not in school this semester, I have had a crazy week. Doctor's appointments, things to figure out, lots of laundry (who is wearing all these darn clothes?!?) and loads on my mind. I got my GRE study book, so I also have started that. My brain is on overload which I have learned is my biggest symptom of having an anxiety disorder. It feels like a ball in a pinball machine bouncing around from one stress to the other, trying to sort it all out. I feel kind of lost and overwhelmed.


So I am taking a "me day" today. While I am excited about making changes in my life, I am also stressed out about it too. So today I am just going to decompress. I got the house cleaned up already so I can just relax until it's time for the kids to come home from school. How often does that happen?


I got my hair cut this morning. I also made in appointment for 2 weeks from now to get it colored. I'm going to do a dark brown (or maybe black, I am trying to decide) all over color with hot pink chunks in the underneath of my hair. I am really excited about it.





I wish it would stop raining so I could get outside and get some exercise, but you can't control mother nature. So I'm going to paint my nails, read a book and just relax. Recharge my supply of mom patience and rest my brain a little.

(Drumroll please) The List

So I have said why I'm taking the semester off which means it would only be right to share my list of goals & things on my agenda for the semester. It's a list for me, because I like crossing things off of lists. And hey, since it's my blog I can post whatever I want right?

• Deal with health issues: sleep apnea, weight, thyroid, and some fun female stuff.
• Study for the GRE.
• Take the GRE and get an impressive (to me) score.
• Get letters of recommendation from my former professors (before they forget who the heck I am).
• Write my charming and intelligent "statement of purpose" for graduate school applications.
• Apply to graduate school(s).
• Work on making our master bedroom more of a sanctuary for the hubster & I rather than a dumping ground for laundry, Barbies and things that no one knows what to do with.

Specifically I want to:

• Lose 35 pounds.  I'm tracking my weight loss at the bottom of this page.  
• Exercise 3-4 times per week.
• Refinish our bedroom furniture and shelves.
• Paint our walls.
• De-clutter our bedroom.
• Redecorate our bedroom.  My very talented LJ buddy Eve gave me some awesome ideas which she posted on her blog, Modachrome Home

• Take the GRE by the end of October.

Bonus points if I get to: scrapbook, read a bunch, and learn how to play my didgeridoo.

The Autumn of Me

While we were on vacation, I made the decision to drop my classes for this semester and take some time off. It may turn out to be the whole school year because I won't be able to be admitted into an Anthro program before fall 2011 due to deadlines. But for now, I'm just focusing on this semester. I decided to take the time off because I am in a position for the first time in my life that offers me a unique opportunity...a chance to work on myself. I feel selfish typing it out. Because as a mother I shouldn't want that. I shouldn't need that, right? But I do.

Our family has been through some pretty difficult things over the past 5 years or so. My husband has had an easier time rolling with the punches, but for me the battle wounds are still open. Rather than dealing with things in a healthy way, I've pushed it down and just moved along because it was I needed to do to get by. Going to therapy to deal with my grief has also shown me that I have not deal with other problems in my life. So this is my time to deal with it.

I do plan on studying my butt off for the GRE and taking it this fall. I plan on getting my letters of recommendation for grad school. I plan on writing my letter of purpose to the schools I'm applying to. I also have to deal with my yearly cancer check-up. I might even wind up having my tonsils out. But on a daily basis, I'm making it my job to take care of myself. I'm going to work on getting healthy. I'm going to work through my grief. I'm also going to work through my anxiety. I have several projects around the house I want to do as well. So it will be a productive, healthy, soul-searching type of thing for me instead of a sitting in class type of thing. Hopefully everyone will support me and remind me of my positivity about it today on the days where I am asking myself "what the heck am I doing?!"

I proclaim this "The Autumn of Me".