It's funny how things turn out sometimes...

It was in August 1997 that I first set foot on the NIU campus as a student. I remember how exciting that first day felt.  I felt like a dream was coming true for me.  I figured in just a couple of years I'd graduate. I never foresaw all the hurdles that would get in my way between that day and today. It's funny how things turn out.

Today has not at all gone in the way I expected it to go.  I had expected to fight back tears all day because I miss my Dad.  I expected to make the best of it so I didn't have any regrets later. Then I wanted to have a nice low-key lunch with family & friends at my favorite restaurant.

After being up until 11pm last night cleaning my house in preparation for the weekend festivities, I faced a sleepless night.  Not out of excitement, but because my back hurt me. And our daughter was up a couple of times complaning of her ear hurting. I actually woke up before my alarm went off today.  I woke up and I was only able to stand at a 75 degree angle until I rubbed some icy hot into my back muscles.  As we were getting ready to go to campus, I found out that the last of my friends I'd invited to the ceremony had to cancel. Sigh, I was disappointed that none of my friends would be there, but I also understood.

One block before reaching the convo center for the ceremony, Abby announced she was sick and needed to throw up.  She did, all over my new car.  (Yes I consider 10 months old to still be new) And then we were late and not sure what to even do about the ceremony.  Since my godparents had driven out from the suburbs to be there for me, I couldn't very well call them up and tell them I wasn't going.  So off we went. I went to line up with the other grads, wondering if Abby was upstairs puking or if someone was taking her to see the doctor.

Rather than being sad about my Dad, I worried about Abby. And then I didn't.  I just tried to be in the moment.  After all I deserved that moment and before I knew it, it was over. And I didn't cry. I felt sort of peaceful actually.

Abby was fine through the ceremony and we even managed to take a few pictures afterwards before the Convo employees gave us the boot. On the way home from the ceremony though, we had to stop every few blocks for Abby to get out and puke. So we had to cancel those lunch reservations.

I was feeling sorry for myself.  I was feeling such a huge sense of disappointment. But then my husband, my Mom and my sister saved the day. Josh took Abby to the doctor where she was diagnosed with an ear infection. And the rest of the family went out for lunch. They took care of me. And it was a nice low-key lunch, with plenty of happy baby smiles from my niece, sweet thoughtful gifts from my family and what I needed the most...their company. It's funny how things turn out sometimes.

My graduation day didn't turn out how I thought it would, but I got what I needed. I got my degree.  I got my graduation experience.  And most importantly, I got to be with my family.  And now I know I have a friend who loves me enough to watch my graduation ceremony live online.  Thank you Alycia.  You win a special place in my heart for doing that.





my graduation dress...

On the eve of my graduation....

So here I am on the eve of my graduation from college.  I have a lot of thoughts and am feeling a lot of different things.  Pride. Accomplishment. Excitement. Sadness. Disappointment. Denial.

It's taken a lot for me to get here.  I took my first class in the fall of 1994. It was a bankruptcy law class at a community college.  I had just found out that I was pregnant with my son.  I have gone to school off and on for 15 1/2 years in hopes of finishing my bachelor's degree. That's almost half of my life. In the time that I have been in school I have had 2 children, gotten married, had cancer, lost my father to cancer, dealt with Abby's various health problems, sold and bought a house, had undiagnosed sleep apnea and even had the swine flu.  I feel like every semester I have had some problem I have had to go to a professor (or three) with and ask for understanding.  For someone who has social anxiety disorder that has not been an easy task. I have taken more finals than I can count.  Written more papers than I remember. Made dean's list and also failed classes. 

It's been a struggle but I never I gave up. Not even when I faced my biggest challenge....losing my Dad.  When I lost him in November, it was a very difficult time to be taking finals and putting the finishing touches on projects and papers.  I thought about not going back for the spring semester. But I was so close to graduating.  Before my Dad died, I had applied for graduation and knew I was going to graduate in May. For him I needed to follow through as planned.  It has been a very difficult semester for me and it certainly is not a shining example of the work I am capable of. But I survived it.

And I will survive tomorrow as well. It will be very hard for me to go to graduation tomorrow and not see his face in the crowd. His approval meant more to me than I would like to admit. I would give nearly anything to hear him say to me tomorrow that he was proud of me.  I would give nearly anything to pose for pictures for with him wearing my cap and gown.

In the past few months I have wrestled with decision to walk across that stage tomorrow.  I know it will be one of the most joyous and hardest things I have done. Certainly I am proud of myself and it only feels right to recognize this accomplishment.  But it will be hard because it is not going to be how I dreamed it would be.  People tell me that my Dad will be watching and he'll be there in spirit.  I know that's true.  I know he'll be there in my heart.  I know he'll be there in my Mom's heart and my sister's and my children's.  But the pain will be there too. Sometimes things in life are bittersweet.  This is defintely one of those things.

I have cried a lot of tears in the past few months as well.  Missing my Dad has been a physical pain for me.  I think tomorrow will be the hardest "without Dad" milestone I have crossed yet.  But I know he would be proud.  I know he believed in me.

If you were to ask me what I learned in the past 15 years of off and on school, I would tell you the things you'd expect to hear: perserverance, critical thinking, study what you are passionate about and of course, don't procrastinate.  The most important lesson I learned though is that there is no project, no paper or test that could ever be more important than your family. Those of us who are older "non-traditional" students know the sacrifices that need to be made to be successful in our studies.  You miss dinner with your family, family events, sleep, time with your children, Valentine's Day parties at your child's school.  You do all that with the drive to make a better life for your family. You do it to be a good example for your children. To give yourself a sense of satisifaction.  Can I share a secret with you?  My biggest regret about how I handled my Dad's illness was the time I devoted to writing that perfect paper rather than sitting with him and talking those last 2 months of his life. The last day I saw him conscious, I almost didn't go.  I was so busy and overwhelmed with school that I almost missed out on those precious few hours with him. I'm here to tell you that those papers never should have been more important that my family.  And although I am about to begin that next chapter by pursuing my master's degree, I will never put those papers over my family again.

I certainly have to juggle my roles as wife, mother and student very carefully.  But there has to be a better way.  And my goal for the next chapter of my life is to find that way.  Because the other important thing I learned about myself is that I am in love with learning.  And I know Dad will be watching tomorrow, just as know that he'll be watching me this fall as I walk back onto campus as a graduate student.  I know he'd be proud. 

Magnificent Milestones

Yesterday my niece turned 6 months.








Today my "baby boy" is 15!





Today was also my last day of finals, papers, everything. Now all I have to do is graduate.

Picture Day

Here's what Miss Abby wore for school pictures today:

Lots of balls in the air right now

The reason I named this blog "Juggling it all" is because I feel like I'm always juggling different roles and responsibilities in my life. It's never just one thing and it's never calm. And right now is no exception...so here's an update of sorts.

I am working on making and dealing with big changes in my life. The biggest thing is dealing with losing my Dad. Up until recently I have been in shock and survival mode. With time and therapy, I feel like I'm able to start grieving. It's been rough. I find that I cry a lot. And I find that I don't feel sure who I can talk to anymore. It seems that there's a timeframe of how long it's acceptable to other people to talk about crisis or tragedy in your life. Although I do have a couple of people I can talk to, I feel like with most people the window of acceptability for talking about my loss has closed. I struggle with my sadness, the sense of emptiness and trying to make sense of a life without one of the most important people to me. My therapist says I can still have a relationship with my Dad even though he's gone. I'm not sure that entirely makes sense to me, but I'm trying to understand how that will work.

I am also making some big health changes. I'm not going to pretty this up...we all know I'm fat. I have a lot of weight to lose. My weight is something I have struggled with my whole life. I did have a block of time in my life where I was truly happy with my weight until my thyroid decided to screw that up for me. I've been on the South Beach diet for a few weeks now and have lost 10.5 pounds. (Yes I have to mention that 1/2 pound because to me...every ounce counts) I haven't been perfect on the diet, because let's face it changing your eating habits completely is a struggle. Especially if like me, you are an emotional eater. Even harder when you have a lot of emotions you'd like to eat.

On top of eating better, I am dealing with the effects of being this size. I have been afraid for a long time of having a diabetes test. I finally sucked it up and had a full physical. I am super thankful that I do not have diabetes but I realize that if I don't make changes I will have it someday. I do have high blood pressure which I am now taking medicine for. That is disappointing to me, but at least I'm getting it under control. The biggest change is that I have been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. This involves using a cpap machine every night when I sleep. It forces air down my airway which sort of props open my airway so I don't stop breathing. During my sleep study, I stopped breathing 90 times in an hour. Kinda bad. I am struggling to get used to my cpap and working out some kinks with it, but I am very much looking forward to getting some real sleep.

Another big change is that I'm about to graduate. Eeek, out into the real world. Sort of. I had always planned to go to graduate school immediately following my Bachelor's degree. But after the way last semester turned out for me, that's not going to work out as planned. I am probably going to have to take a semester off instead unless I win the Lotto or the Publisher's Clearing House shows up at my door with balloons and a big check. I don't have time to get into a graduate program and Uncle Sam will only loan me my tuition money if I'm I get into a graduate program during the semester I'm an "at-large" student. And so, I wait. It's weird for me to think of taking a semester off. I've not electively done so since 1998 when I had to quit school to work full time. I've consistently been in school since 2003.

An update

I've been trying to concentrate on Josh and the kids along with finishing up the semester. I have 1/2 of a paper written...the rest is due on Thursday. I have 2 finals tomorrow which I spent the weekend studying for. Wednesday I have to make a french test and take that final as well. I am almost done with this semester from hell.

I am doing okay most of the time. But I think I'm still in shock too. I can get through most of the day thinking life is normal and then something reminds me and I just miss my Dad. I miss him so much. I miss his advice. I miss talking to him about mundane things like which weather person we trust on ABC or where gas is the cheapest. I miss his stories about things that went on in his life. I miss his crazy beard. I miss the randomness of his affection. He always loved us, but he was more the type of person to do something to show you his love rather than saying "I love you".

I have a wonderful group of friends from the internets. Wow, I am just blown away by the kindness. Vikki drove down for Dad's funeral. Teiva sent me some thoughtful goodies that cheered me up. All the kind comments and well wishes you have given me mean so much.

I have been posting with a group of mostly ladies for almost 10 years now. We started out all selling on eBay and it's moved on from that. I've met a few of them in real life as well. They were so supportive during my cancer diagnosis and also have really been there for me through Dad's illness and his passing. They sent me beautiful flowers and restaurant gift cards so I didn't have to cook. They donated to the scholarship fund at my parents' church in Dad's honor. They also sent me a check to do whatever with. I am going to donate that money in honor of my Dad to help women & children in Africa because that's my passion. I am looking into some charities to see what is out there. I am so thankful for my internet friends. It's amazing how people who have never shaken your hand can touch your heart so deeply.

Hanging in there...

Dad starts chemo today. He's actually getting it right now. I'm having a really hard time. He's so upset about losing his crazy beard. I told him the he'll still be him even if he loses all his hair. How is this really happening? I am trying to so hard to be strong and to keep going on with life as normally as possible but it's very hard.

My life feels turned upside down. At the beginning of the semester I felt overwhelmed but my goals were all A's and getting myself into grad school. Now my goal is get through the semester and hopefully graduate in May. I would really like to graduate in May and have my Dad there to see it, so that is what I am focusing on....getting to that day.

Abby may need to have her leg re-set. The bone fragments have a gap between them that wasn't there last week. Tomorrow morning I will take her for another xray and we'll see what the doctor says then. I am anxious about it, but I do trust her doctor to do the right thing for Abby.

I am so thankful for the support from my friends (whether they live in my computer or my real life). Please keep thinking positive thoughts and remembering my family in your prayers.

I will leave you with a photo of the gorgeous bushes that I saw on campus yesterday. This is just a camera phone picture so the quality but could be better, but...

I think I'm ready...

Tomorrow is the first day of school for me and the kids. They are ready and maybe even excited. Well, at least the little one is. I think I'm excited about going back. It is after all, the beginning of my last year as an undergrad. It's also my 1st full time semester since I returned to school after Abby was born.

I have all of my supplies....

Staggering amount of textbooks? Yep!

Cute new school supplies? Yep!





Fun new tote bag to carry it all? Yep!

Crushing amount of student loans? You betcha!

But I'm still not sure that I feel ready. I am not really ready to give up lazy morning of snuggling and watching cartoons. I'm not ready to give up days of swimming and lounging at the pool with the kids. I'm not ready for the quiet house that comes with their return to school. Despite some of the frustrating days we've had, I will miss them A LOT.

I'm not ready to go back to class feeling hypothyroid. I don't want to have to explain to a fresh round of professors that when I fall asleep in class, "It's not that I'm bored, it's just that I don't have my thyroid and I can't help it". I'm not ready for all the things on my to-do list this fall. The start of the semester also means that I have to start preparing for my post-graduate life. Where am I going to study? What am I going to study? Can I even afford to go where I want to? Will they accept me? Eeek!

Nevertheless, I have my cute school supplies and my stack of books. So I guess that means I'm ready? Now, what am I going to wear?

8th Grade Recognition Night

Rather than having a graduation ceremony, Evan's junior high had a recognition night to celebrate the end of 8th grade.  Basically it boiled down to a very l-o-n-g slide show and recognizing everyone who made honor roll, perfect attendance, etc. Afterwards we went out to dinner to hang out with Evan.  I didn't get the best pictures because:

A) My camera is on the fritz.

B) The lighting in there sucked and we sat in the nosebleed section.

Lots of people!

Rapunzel

During her last week at school, Abby's class put on a couple of plays. She was the witch in Rapunzel. It was really cute to go see the plays.

Spring Sing

Last week Abby had a "spring sing" which was super cute.  Each grade in her school sang a few songs.  Some of the kids were hilarious with the way they were really getting into dancing along.  Abby had a very serious look on her face the whole time she was singing. 

Not the greatest photos ever as our camera is on the fritz. Abby is wearing a yellow & black patterned dress.




The whole class

Finally!

For the past 2 months, a lot of my conversations with my classmates or my family have revolved around a small and nearly extinct primate.  My "big paper" of the semester that I poured so much of my time and energy into was about the black and white ruffed lemur.  Why it's in danger, why we should save it, and the best plan for conserving the species.  Since I started researching this little critter, I have wanted to go to the Lincoln Park Zoo and see one. Yesterday I finally got to go and see if this little fuzzy guy was worth all the fuss I'd made over him. It is.  My pictures aren't the greatest because I wasn't very close to him/her.  It was very exciting for me though.  I don't plan on changing my focus from ethnology to primatology, but I could see getting involved in a conservation project in a cultural capacity to help save animals like this little guy.  I learned so much this semester and it really opened my eyes about conservation.  Anyway...here are my photos of the the Lincoln Park lemur:

Free at last!

I am officially on winter break now. The funny thing is that instead of relieved I feel like I should be doing some homework. Oh my. Is it crazy that I can complain about stressful it is to juggle everything and then when I get a break I miss school right away? I guess that's just me.

Couple of photos from my last day on campus for the semester. I wanted to take more but it was SO cold this morning.

Finishing Up

This week and next are insane for me with finishing up the semester so I am having to remind myself of how worth it is and how nice my break will be. Between now and next Thursday, I have:
*tons of homework
*tons of reading to catch up on
*a 5 page paper to write
*a 10-15 page paper to write
*an oral exam
*a visit to the language lab
*2 finals

And of course, since the world doesn't stop for my needs (wouldn't that be nice) I will still have a house and family to take care of. Did I mention that I promised Abby we'd decorate our tree tonight too? Aack!

Almost there

I am nearly done with this semester. I am looking forward to having a break and getting ready for Christmas. I'm especially looking forward to the kids being on break and baking cookies and hanging out with them. I have one more week of classes and then finals. Of course this means that now I'm cramming in the studying and working on my papers. Why do they always make those do right at the end anyway?!? So I have been spending most of my free time reading, researching or typing. Here's how I'm getting through it:

*The new Espresso Truffle coffee at Starbucks. OMG, delicious!
*Catnaps
*Bribing the kids to be quiet
*Having my sweet Gracie to cuddle with while I read (although this usually leads to a catnap)



*Diet A&W Cream Soda. Yum!
*And my pink desk area (psst...I voted for Obama). I can't wait until we have time to paint our bedroom.

Why I've been MIA

Because this is all I've been doing...



...homework



Yep it's that time of the semester. When all the papers I have due need to be started, tests have to be taken, and I lack the motivation and time for both. Don't get me wrong, I love school. I am so lucky for this chance to be there. It's the home part that's hard. The finding time to squeeze in a hundred or so pages of reading while the kids are fighting, dog is barking and the laundry monster is trying to crawl out of the basket.

And now I will leave with you a random cute Abby photo.

Picture Day

Today Abby had her 1st grade school pictures. I got her a cute outfit from Gymboree and ordered a bow for her from Lili Cakes Bowtique to wear for the big day.

Here she is before school this morning:

Woohoo

Today Josh graduated! He got his Associate's of Science in Computer Science. We are all so proud of him. It's so hard as a non-traditional student to make it through and Josh has not only done that, but done it well.

Josh's parents flew up to celebrate the big day with us.



And here's what he looks like getting his degree:

OOTD, etc...

Again, it's my Mac webcam but this time it was out of laziness because that was easier to get.

Black shrug: Fashion Bug
Purple tank: Torrid
Jeans: Fashion Bug (Zana-Di brand)
Necklace: Ebay


I finished my big paper last night at about 8pm. I was so relieved. I was hoping to present it today but apparently she'd scheduled people different dates when I was home sick last week and missed class. She is supposed to email me my date. I want to get it over with so hopefully it's sooner rather than later. She is going to treat the copy of my paper that I turned today as a rough draft and let me know if I should change anything. I am really thankful for that opportunity. I worked so hard on it, I want to do whatever I can to get an A.

Speaking of school, tomorrow is my registration appointment for the fall. I am going to register for 3 classes, all things I need to graduate. Even though I whined a whole bunch about being burnt out, I realize at this point that I just need to keep going because I am so close.

Monday morning madness

It's been kind of a crazy morning.

I woke up to there not being any coffee. Today I need as much caffeine as I can possibly stomach. Although perhaps if I hadn't insisted that Josh crack that second bottle of sparkling wine last night, he would have been able to remember to put the coffee in the pot. Shame on me and my wicked feminine wiles. Thank goodness for Starbuck's Skinny Lattes! Now if only they were as cheap as making coffee at home.

To my neighbors: I'm sorry for the horrors you had to see this morning. It was not my preference to prance about the neighborhood in my pajamas. I especially hated chasing that bag of dog poo that blew out of the can and into the street. Unfortunately the males in my household neglected their responsibility of taking out the garbage. Grr! Had I known that I'd be taking it out, I would have at least wore matching pajamas that didn't show so much boobage. Thank you for not yelling "My eyes!" and instead saying "hello". I know it was hard for you, but it's nonetheless appreciated.

While I was taking Abby to school, taking out the garbage, scaring my neighbors and grabbing that Starbuck's Skinny Latte, Gracie was busy making a big ole stinky pile of poop in the house! I don't know why considering I had just taken her out before I left.

To my hubby: Yes you were right when you said we needed to buy toilet paper. I'm sorry that I disagreed with you because now there is one roll left in the whole house. I'm sure when my coffee kicks in I will be especially sorry that I didn't just let you buy some toilet paper when we were grocery shopping. You were right, I was wrong. I know it will make your day to see it in writing since I so rarely admit it.

I am still working hard on my monster paper. I have a few pages left and the slideshow to do. The paper needs to be done for tomorrow morning at 9:30. The slide show has to be done when I present the paper to the class which could be anytime from tomorrow until the last day we meet. I personally would like to get it over and done with and out of the way. I am hoping I can present tomorrow or Thursday. Other than getting out of the house for two fun little escapades (Amy's tupperware party and having a treat with my sis), I've been constantly working on this paper since Friday.