She's just not that into me?

When a guy you are dating doesn't return your calls or acts aloof with plans you can safely assume that he's "just not that into you".  But what does it mean when it happens with female friends? I know that in our late 20's and 30's we are busy with our husbands, careers, children (if we have them), and often our families.  People get really busy in the daily grind and they forget to make that phone call or arrange that girls' night out with their pals.  So that being said, I'm also asking myself sometimes...."she really didn't have 5 minutes to email me back?  During the whole month of September?"  Or I wonder when I repeatedly suggest getting together with someone who says "Sure, I'd love to" but then they never set up a date.  Are they just busy?  Or are they just not that into being friends with me?

I find in my 30's that friendships are harder.  It's harder to make friends because new relationships often require a lot of attention and that's something that I just don't have in surplus these days.  By the time I play mom taxi, run errands, clean the house, do homework with the kids, and deal with dinner....I'm exhausted most days.  The thought of actually putting on something other than sweats or jeans a t-shirt to go out is not appealing most days. And forget making phone calls when I'm not home alone!  The minute I pick up that phone, I will have both kids and likely the husband too urgently needing me to answer a question or referee an argument over the tv.

So while outwardly it might seem that I'm just not trying to be a good friend, it's not true.  I want to be.  And I am into you.  So the question is...are the friends I'm doubting feeling the same way as I am, or are they just not all that into me?

Helmets, mopey teenagers and tonsils the size of Godzilla

So I am sick today. Which sucks because it's summer. My throat hurts, my body aches, I'm tired. I just want to rest. But one kids is acting all angsty and disagreeable and the other is acting like Phillip:






I cannot wait until Daddy comes home today!

But I'm not even on the list

I always have a to-do list, a to-do pile, or a to-do bin.  There's always something on my list to get done. I recently organized my desk because even though I'm done with school for now, I am sitting there often working on something. There's always a form to fill out, an appointment to make, or something to figure out. I juggle the kids appointments, my doctor appointments, their various activities as well as trying to keep some semblance of a social life. I love the Google calendar feature.  I could not live without it. I use it to track all our appointments.  I have it send me reminders.  And yet, I still forget things.  Probably because my calendar is always dotted with things to-do. And if you don't look at the list, well it's easy to forget what's on it.

I started going to therapy to deal with my grief. As I gain a better handle on that, my anxiety disorder seems to feel the space that grief once occupied. Anxiety fills that space and bubbles over into every area of my life. So now I have an additional therapy goal...get a hold on that anxiety. Every week, my therapist tells me I need to take time for myself.  I need to relax.  Maybe clear up that Google calendar a little bit. I try.  I think of taking a "me day".  But there are errands to do, laundry to fold, a kitchen to clean. After all I'm the mom.  I have to take care of my family before I do anything fun right? That's how I was raised.  Do your work, then relax.  The problem is that the work never ends.  The to-do list easily refills itself.

So I examine my to-do list.  Surely it's filled with important things that cannot wait.  And I realize I am not on that list.  I even change my doctor appointments to accomodate other people or to make things more convienent. The truth is staring at back at me in my all-important calendar, it is evident in what's not in my to-do pile or on my to-do list.  Not only do I not put myself first, I do not even put myself on the list.

And I don't think I'm alone.  I think maybe it's a "mom thing". I think that maybe we are hard-wired to believe we have to take care of everyone else first. But if we were on an airplane and those oxygen masks dropped, we would have to put on our mask before we could help our children or our husband right?  So why not apply that in daily life?  If I don't take care of myself, my health both mental and physical then how can I care for anyone else?  So this is me, announcing to the world...I'm putting on my oxygen mask first.  I'm putting me on the to-do list. The laundry can wait.  It'll still be there tomorrow.

Stop this crazy ride, I want to get off for awhile!

Have you ever wished that you could put life on pause while you deal with a crisis or illness? Well that's how I've been feeling the past few weeks. I only wish I had a magic remote control to pause our lives. If only it worked that way. It goes back even before Abby's accident happened with feeling stressed about various different things.

Since Abby broke her leg, the things I was stressing over before have faded into the background and were replaced by new worries. In a way, it was good to be reminded of the things that are worth worrying about. The other things were trivial compared to my worry over my daughter. But on the other hand, I'd really just like some time to not worry for awhile.

All of my posts on here as well as my real life conversations have revolved around Abby's leg. How it's doing, how she's doing, how we are taking care of her and what the consequences of her injury are for the family. The reason that everything revolves around the topic of her broken leg is because right now our lives revolve around her injury. She can't go to the bathroom by herself...it takes both Josh and I to get there. She cannot get around by herself yet...we carry her or wheel her around. I cannot count how many times per day I am Abby's step-and-fetch-it-girl.

Added to all that is the fact that Josh and I both started our spring semesters on Monday. I had to drop a class because I will have to pick Abby from school (when she goes back) rather than Josh because my car is bigger so I only have 3 classes. I am at NIU every day of the week attending class. Josh has only 1 class this semester but it meets for 3 hours on the night that he has to go. I love school. I am thankful for the opportunity to attend NIU this semester, but school adds a lot of time commitment and work to the already full load I have right now.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining. I am not. I am just sharing what a typical day is like around our house now. I would do anything for Abby and Evan. I am just looking forward to the time I spend with them being fun playtime instead!

I also want to explain that the reason that I haven't called, emailed, sent out thank you notes and even a few lingering Christmas cards/gifts is because I'm swamped. I'm overtired and overwhelmed with life right now. Since I can't press pause, I can only ask for patience...yours and mine. Eventually life will get back to normal (whatever that is) and I'll get back on the ball with everything.

The Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said, “People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong...Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?” This is my goal for today. Not seeing only what is wrong, but trying to see the good in all this craziness right now. No matter how hard that may be. But until I get that, I will just have to settle for the occasional giggle I get from laughing at myself.

The threatmantic note *UPDATED*

If you watch The Fairly Oddparents you probably know what I mean by threatmantic. It's sort of a threatening love letter. This weekend I received one from Abby.

Josh and I have put a stop to the kids spending any allowance on toys until after Christmas. For the most part it hasn't been an issue, but this weekend we were out shopping and Abby wanted to add a stuffed cat to her already large kitty collection. I believe she has 14 of them. We told her she could not get the kitty and she was really quite pathetic about it. I have to admit, I almost caved. (Yes my daughter totally has me wrapped around her little finger). So then, I received this letter:



It's hard to see but basically it's a drawing of captive kitties and a devlish Abby saying that she'll be mean if she doesn't get a kitty. Oh my.

The drawing totally reminds me of Max from the book Where The Wild Things Are.




Naturally we had a discussion about threatmantic letters (although I didn't use that term) and how not nice they are. And as soon as Abby left the room after said discussion, Josh and I burst into laughter. I have to say I'm quite proud of her spelling...it's at least phonetically correct.

Thank you to Gina (who I went to high school with)for this clearer picture:

A peak into my life

This is the craziness that is my daily life...kids goofing off (usually until one or both gets hurt), dog barking and trying to "herd" them. LOL

Finishing Up

This week and next are insane for me with finishing up the semester so I am having to remind myself of how worth it is and how nice my break will be. Between now and next Thursday, I have:
*tons of homework
*tons of reading to catch up on
*a 5 page paper to write
*a 10-15 page paper to write
*an oral exam
*a visit to the language lab
*2 finals

And of course, since the world doesn't stop for my needs (wouldn't that be nice) I will still have a house and family to take care of. Did I mention that I promised Abby we'd decorate our tree tonight too? Aack!

Meet Rosie

This is Rosie.




Rosie is that hard to see pink flower in the cup and she belongs to Abby. Saturday Abby and I went to the Jewel and bought ourselves some flowers. I let Abby choose and she picked out pink carnations. She really wanted to take one flower and have it in her room so I let her.

I honestly figured the novelty of it would wear off by the end of the day, but I underestimated my daughter. She has given me daily updates on how her flower is doing and shown me how she is taking care of it (sitting it in her windowsill and making sure it gets some sunshine). This morning she brought the flower to me though and said, "Mommy, Rosie is dying. I think we should throw her away." Up until this point I wasn't aware that the flower had a name. While the flower is drying up, I didn't want to end this friendship so quickly so I told her "I think Rosie has another day or two". And Abby said "Maybe if she had some friends, she wouldn't be sad and she'd live longer."

Some days you want to send your kids to Grandma's until they are 25. And then there are days like today when they do something that makes your heart overflow with love for them.

For the ladies in my life

My friend Alycia sent me this and I had to share:

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
9 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space'
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

Friday photos

I don't have much to say today because I am pretty worn out from the busy week. So I thought I'd post some pictures of Abby from this morning.

In her jammies:



In her school outfit. She had to wear orange today because they are doing a different color each day. She learns how to spell it and they make a little book about each color which she reads to us when she gets home.



On my to-do list today:
*French class
*Buying some flour
*Housework
*Some "me time"
*Trip to the post office
*Get my parking permit (haven't done it yet)
*Return some textbooks that I found for waaay cheaper on Amazon
*Hopefully get my new NIU Onecard
*Bake banana bread

Back-to-school update

So here we are 1/2 way through the first week of school. Thought I'd post a little update to how we are all doing.

Evan: likes his classes and teachers. He has friends in most of classes and of course that makes it easier. So far, he's staying on top of homework and following the rules. We have sat down with him and agreed on goals for the year and offered rewards for reaching them.

Abby: loves school. She told me that she likes staying the whole day because then they "have time for great big fun". She seems to want to be more independent. She announced today that she would no longer be watching "baby cartoons" because she's a 1st grader. I told her that it is more important to do what she likes and is interested in than worrying about if it's a "baby" thing to do.

Me: I like my classes and professors. I am excited to be learning about 2 different sections of anthropology: linguistics and archaeology. It's easy to get focused on just taking cultural classes since that's my interest. I love my French class and while it is more of a review for me, it's nice. The past two days I have felt pretty weepy about the fact that my babies are back in school. It's hardest to see Abby be there for the full day because it's such a big change. It's definitely a challenge for me to transition through. I am very thankful for the quiet time I have to study during the day. I've never really had that before and I'm sure it will help my grades!

On this afternoon's agenda:
*get parking permit
*archaeology homework
*laundry
*running to Target to fill Abby's eczema/allergy/asthma prescriptions
*baking bread

Things I am tired of saying, but use on a daily basis.

When you have children, you find yourselves not only saying odd things that you thought you'd never have to say but repeating the same directions over and over. For instance:

*You need to stop
*That's a 1
*We don't hit our brother
*Arms (of couches) are for our arms, not our bottoms.
*Did you brush your teeth? ::pause:: today?
*Don't talk just to hear yourself talk.
*Whose wrapper is this?
*What do we do with our dishes when we are done eating?
*....and why am I paying you allowance?
*Clean up your noodle mess
*Please stop talking to your imaginary friends and get ready to go.
*Because I said so.
*Do you know why you had to sit in the naughty chair?
*No
*Soon
*We'll see (as in I don't really want to say "no" at this time because you'll flip out, but I have no intention of saying yes).

Wishing for sick days

Since yesterday afternoon I have had a fever and other upleasantness. As a result I haven't felt like doing anything. I wish I could just curl up in bed and try to feel better. But the downside of being a stay-at-home mom is that you can't call in sick to work. You have to still make lunches, kiss boo boos, do laundry and play referee during squabbles. That and watch the clock waiting for your husband to come home from work so you can finally rest.

Boo-Boos

Abby was playing out in the yard with her two little friends who are also 5. She tripped and fell down and came in the house crying. It wasn't bad enough for a band-aid but I gave her one anyway. I always kiss her boo-boos and as I was patching her up, her friends knocked on the door. She goes to answer it and says to them, "It's okay guys. My Mommy is just going to kiss all my boo-boos and make them better.". Awww, it was the cutest thing. I love that she still believes that Mommy's love is a powerful medicine.

OOTD's and new glasses, plus kids...argh!

I didn't get around to posting these yesterday because it was insanely busy day. For some reason my children have been acting up really badly the past two days. And of course they've been home with me as well...ack! My neighbors must think I'm awful because it's finally been warm enough to have the windows open and all I've been doing is yelling at my kids. Ugh. I guess it's a good thing that I have a weekend away with my girlfriends to look forward to! I am sure that will recharge my patience.

I had to take Abby to class with me yesterday. That was an interesting experience. We are presenting our projects and I wasn't aware of which date I was assigned (my prof forgot to email me) so when I realized at the last minute that Miss Abby didn't have school, I had to bring along. Didn't want an F on the presentation! Luckily I'm not presenting until May 6th which is the very last class. Phew! Abby sat there drawing pictures of my professor..lol. She wanted to ask a question at the end of someone's presentation too, but I wouldn't let her.

I also got my new glasses and prescription sunglasses yesterday (thank you zennioptical.com).

Me and Evan who is getting SO BIG.



1st OOTD which after wearing for a few hours I discovered the pants were way big and the top didn't fit my bust.

Top and pants: Fashion Bug
Necklace: eBay



Changed because I was uncomfortable.
Tank: eBay
Sweater: Lane Bryant
Gauchos: Fashion Bug



New glasses and sunglasses:

stressed to the gills

Despite getting fabulous test results and having a fantastic weekend, I am stressed out huge. I have a 20 page paper that was due...oh this morning. Guess how far I am? Well I've started the outline... I also have a project (25ish slides) due that I have no farking idea what to even do it on. Also lots of housework (no surprise there...my family doesn't stop needing clean undies just cuz it's crunch time with school) to do. It's spring cleaning time and there's lots that needs my attention....some of it will wind up being more of a summer cleaning project instead.

I am also doing a favor for a friend that involves giving up my evenings every night this week. Not complaining by any stretch because I'm glad I can help, but it adds to the busy feeling.

Also I'm pretty much going it solo 3 nights out of 5 because my hubby also has a busy week.

And I'm soooo tired. Still fighting this virus...yuck. Also I have a dosage adjustment on my Synthroid and my doc has already warned me I will be tired during the transition. I am always tired when my TSH is wrong, but this is the first time she's actually said something about so that makes me nervous.

I'm also starting week 2 of being on a 1500 calorie diet. I love my progress, but not eating is making me a bit cranky. I feel angry sometimes about food. Thank god for Coke Zero, sugar free Starbucks and 100 calorie packs or I might really freak out.

So basically if I don't email you back or it takes an hour or so to get a response to your text message, this is why. I don't deal well with being busy like this especially when I'm physically feeling yucky too.

Before I was a Mom...

My Mom emailed me this today. I love it...it's so true.

Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

Momma Wisdom

I have heard and said most of these.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
& nbsp; 'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetable s, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn ?'

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Why I love my "job"

I love being a stay-at-home mom because I get to witness all the cute, silly, wonderful things my children do. Just this morning:

The dog had a cough drop stuck to her paw. No doubt because Evan dropped it on the floor. He thinks cough drops are tasty. Through him, I found out that too many cough drops gives you diarrhea.

Over breakfast, Abby tells me:
"I know how you met Daddy. You walked up to him and said 'Is your name Boo Bear?"
Yes, Josh and I are one of those sickeningly sweet couples who have pet names for each other. Don't hate.

While Abby and I are trying to leave the house so she can go to school, Gracie (the dog) is trying to come with us. So Abby says to Gracie, "Gracie you cannot come to school. You are not a teacher. You are a dog!".
Useful information to have. All this time I had been thinking I could get Gracie a job....

Abby's school starts at 8:45. This morning we were running late and at 8:41 we were about to get to the train crossing that goes through the middle of our town. Of course we got stuck waiting for a train. A train that stopped and parked in town for 5 minutes. I tried to go around the train by turning down a side street but it was blocking the other crossing in town too, so I had to go back to where I originally was. Abby says to me "I'm sorry Mommy, I thought it would be faster to go the other way but we wound up back where we started!".
You all didn't know that a 5 year old is my navigator, did you? Ha ha.

There is no chance that I'd trade their antics (even on a bad day) for a cubicle. I am so lucky and so thankful that it's possible for me to be with them like this. I know it's not the right "job" for everyone to be a stay-at-home mom, but it's definitely the right job for me.

Currently reading : Black Man's Grave: Letters From Sierra Leone By Stewart Release date: 15 January, 2007

If only Moms got sick days...

I have been feeling pretty bad the last couple of weeks because I've been first hyperthyroid and then hypothyroid. It's been rough on me but I've been making it through.

Early this morning I started feeling incredibly nauseous accompanied by a migraine. It was so tough to make Abby's breakfast. Then to compound matters, the dog got sick and I had to clean it up. It was a relief that Abby was in school so I could lay down after I took her. Unfortunately though as the day went on, I felt worse and worse. I got her a happy meal from Burger King thinking I wouldn't have to deal with food until Evan got home. Wrong! She seems to be going through a growth spurt and wants to eat constantly. I had to make her oatmeal, popcorn and get several drinks. Every trip to the kitchen was difficult for me and had to be followed by a trip to the bathroom.

It's hard for a 5 year old to understand why you just can't do things for them. It's hard because she can't do everything for herself. So today was a day where I was powered by love for my children because I didn't have the energy. If not for them, I would have crawled back into bed and slept all day. But I guess that days like today make me appreciate the other days more.