It's funny how things turn out sometimes...

It was in August 1997 that I first set foot on the NIU campus as a student. I remember how exciting that first day felt.  I felt like a dream was coming true for me.  I figured in just a couple of years I'd graduate. I never foresaw all the hurdles that would get in my way between that day and today. It's funny how things turn out.

Today has not at all gone in the way I expected it to go.  I had expected to fight back tears all day because I miss my Dad.  I expected to make the best of it so I didn't have any regrets later. Then I wanted to have a nice low-key lunch with family & friends at my favorite restaurant.

After being up until 11pm last night cleaning my house in preparation for the weekend festivities, I faced a sleepless night.  Not out of excitement, but because my back hurt me. And our daughter was up a couple of times complaning of her ear hurting. I actually woke up before my alarm went off today.  I woke up and I was only able to stand at a 75 degree angle until I rubbed some icy hot into my back muscles.  As we were getting ready to go to campus, I found out that the last of my friends I'd invited to the ceremony had to cancel. Sigh, I was disappointed that none of my friends would be there, but I also understood.

One block before reaching the convo center for the ceremony, Abby announced she was sick and needed to throw up.  She did, all over my new car.  (Yes I consider 10 months old to still be new) And then we were late and not sure what to even do about the ceremony.  Since my godparents had driven out from the suburbs to be there for me, I couldn't very well call them up and tell them I wasn't going.  So off we went. I went to line up with the other grads, wondering if Abby was upstairs puking or if someone was taking her to see the doctor.

Rather than being sad about my Dad, I worried about Abby. And then I didn't.  I just tried to be in the moment.  After all I deserved that moment and before I knew it, it was over. And I didn't cry. I felt sort of peaceful actually.

Abby was fine through the ceremony and we even managed to take a few pictures afterwards before the Convo employees gave us the boot. On the way home from the ceremony though, we had to stop every few blocks for Abby to get out and puke. So we had to cancel those lunch reservations.

I was feeling sorry for myself.  I was feeling such a huge sense of disappointment. But then my husband, my Mom and my sister saved the day. Josh took Abby to the doctor where she was diagnosed with an ear infection. And the rest of the family went out for lunch. They took care of me. And it was a nice low-key lunch, with plenty of happy baby smiles from my niece, sweet thoughtful gifts from my family and what I needed the most...their company. It's funny how things turn out sometimes.

My graduation day didn't turn out how I thought it would, but I got what I needed. I got my degree.  I got my graduation experience.  And most importantly, I got to be with my family.  And now I know I have a friend who loves me enough to watch my graduation ceremony live online.  Thank you Alycia.  You win a special place in my heart for doing that.





my graduation dress...

Good thoughts and prayers needed

This blurry ultrasound photo is of my niece or nephew. 



This is my baby sister Cassandra, who is 4 months pregnant.





We have known for awhile that along with the baby, Cassandra has a fibroid in her uterus. Today we found out that the placement and size of this fibroid is not so great. In fact, she's a high risk pregnancy and currently on bed rest. There is a danger of the baby's oxygen being cut off. There are also dangers for my sister.

Cassandra and I might get into our little arguments or whatever, but she is always my baby sister. And I love my baby sister VERY much. I am very worried about them both. Please keep Cassandra, her husband Joe and their baby in your thoughts and prayers.

Still cancer-free :-)

Today has been quite the day. It started off with saying goodbye to Abby's teacher as she goes on leave to have cancer treatment. She's a wonderful person and we wish her the best.

Then after dropping off Abby and heading to school, I ran out of gas. That's always fun in a rural area. Luckily Josh was able to come and help me. I am so blessed to have a husband who not only fixed my problem in the cold rain, but didn't complain about it and even better...made me laugh! Unfortunately by the time that was all taken care of, I missed class. I really hate missing class.

Then I had my appointment. She didn't feel anything in my neck. Yay! Also, she is no longer worried about my lymph nodes. Yay again! I have become less worried about them myself, but it was good to hear that we are no longer focusing on them in scans. My blood pressure was good and I'd lost a few pounds which was super surprising to me with all the stress I've been feeling. I was able to convince her to put my scan off until August. Since it's a week of going to the hospital everyday, $10,000 worth of tests & shots, and not feeling so hot...I really didn't want to do it during the school year.

After my appointment Josh took me out to lunch for Mexican food which was so nice. :-)

An update on the chaos that is our lives...

Abby enjoyed going to school Wednesday, Thursday and Friday last week.  I really enjoyed going to school myself too.  It was also nice to have that time where I was alone at home to do some homework and get some housework done.  

We have unfortunately had a few more bumps in the road though.  Our desktop computer broke.  It probably seems small in comparison to everything else, but to me it really sucks.  I love playing The Sims 2 on that computer...it's my stress reliever.  Also, since that computer is out of service, our printer has stopped communicating with my Macbook which annoys me since I need to print things out for school. Ugh. 

Abby is also sick and was nearly hospitalized again.  She had a very bad asthma attack and her oxygen level was too low.  Luckily her doctor decided I could take her home on some strong steroids and give her nebulizer treatments every 4 fours rather than be admitted.  Unfortunately though she is missing school yet again.  She's off until further notice, but I'm hoping it will only turn out to be today and tomorrow.  As a result of her missing school, I am missing school. We are going back to the pediatrician tomorrow to see if Abby is breathing better.  

I am feeling very frustrated and to steal Amy's name for it...having a mommy meltdown!  I am not sure if I should stay in school or not.  I've missed a lot and am getting behind.  But at this point, I'd have to withdraw rather than drop and it will have some pretty negative consequences for me. I also hate to go to my professors and ask for favors.  I had to do that during cancer treatment and it sucked a lot.  I still feel icky about it.  I don't want to get to that point again.  Hopefully things will turn around for us soon.  I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I feel like every time we take a step forward it's only to get hit in the face with something new. 

So that this isn't all negative, I'll leave you with a silly picture of myself.  I'm currently dying my hair and drinking some tea while doing my homework.  Oh yes, I multi-task.

Back to "normal"...

Today was Abby's first day back to school in a month (Christmas break + leg). I have been a nervous nellie all day worrying about her. Whether or not she'll make it to the potty, if she'll be in pain or if she'll step on that leg. Taking her to school and picking her up is such an ordeal with her wheelchair and her walker. Luckily Josh will be doing later hours until her cast is off so he can help me out.  I don't know how I'd do it alone. 

I don't want to complain (but I will) but I'm so tired and overwhelmed with all of this. Josh and I are physically exhausted.  Most days both of our backs are hurting from lifting Abby or her wheelchair. I hurt my knee lifting her out of the car which sucks.  Hopefully it won't hurt for long because I don't really have time for it. Abby also gets us up a few times per night for bathroom breaks. I don't know when my last real conversation was. BUT, I am really glad that I can take care of her.  I don't know what we would do if we were both working outside the home or if Josh's office wasn't flexible. 

But I'm really happy for her that she can be among her friends again. Plus she has always loved being at school. I called to ask a question earlier and kinda check on her (it's a small school, so I wasn't bugging them) and the school secretary said she's like a rock star. The kids are so happy she's back and are all begging to write on her cast.

So Josh is back at the office, both kids are in school and I'm starting to figure out my schedule with school and homework. It's my 1st day alone in a month.  It's very quiet...just me and Gracie and the sound of the washer/dryer running.  It's so weird.  I hope that when things calm down I'll be able to catch up with everyone and get some things squared away around the house.

Stop this crazy ride, I want to get off for awhile!

Have you ever wished that you could put life on pause while you deal with a crisis or illness? Well that's how I've been feeling the past few weeks. I only wish I had a magic remote control to pause our lives. If only it worked that way. It goes back even before Abby's accident happened with feeling stressed about various different things.

Since Abby broke her leg, the things I was stressing over before have faded into the background and were replaced by new worries. In a way, it was good to be reminded of the things that are worth worrying about. The other things were trivial compared to my worry over my daughter. But on the other hand, I'd really just like some time to not worry for awhile.

All of my posts on here as well as my real life conversations have revolved around Abby's leg. How it's doing, how she's doing, how we are taking care of her and what the consequences of her injury are for the family. The reason that everything revolves around the topic of her broken leg is because right now our lives revolve around her injury. She can't go to the bathroom by herself...it takes both Josh and I to get there. She cannot get around by herself yet...we carry her or wheel her around. I cannot count how many times per day I am Abby's step-and-fetch-it-girl.

Added to all that is the fact that Josh and I both started our spring semesters on Monday. I had to drop a class because I will have to pick Abby from school (when she goes back) rather than Josh because my car is bigger so I only have 3 classes. I am at NIU every day of the week attending class. Josh has only 1 class this semester but it meets for 3 hours on the night that he has to go. I love school. I am thankful for the opportunity to attend NIU this semester, but school adds a lot of time commitment and work to the already full load I have right now.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining. I am not. I am just sharing what a typical day is like around our house now. I would do anything for Abby and Evan. I am just looking forward to the time I spend with them being fun playtime instead!

I also want to explain that the reason that I haven't called, emailed, sent out thank you notes and even a few lingering Christmas cards/gifts is because I'm swamped. I'm overtired and overwhelmed with life right now. Since I can't press pause, I can only ask for patience...yours and mine. Eventually life will get back to normal (whatever that is) and I'll get back on the ball with everything.

The Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said, “People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong...Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?” This is my goal for today. Not seeing only what is wrong, but trying to see the good in all this craziness right now. No matter how hard that may be. But until I get that, I will just have to settle for the occasional giggle I get from laughing at myself.

Things are looking up

We were able to bring Abby home from the hospital late Monday night. Since yesterday was her first day home, it was our day to figure things out. We moved her bed into the master bedroom so that we can be close to her during the night. She is also able to watch tv and movies in our room. Josh moved the Wii upstairs too so she can also play that. We are doing everything that we can to keep her comfortable and happy. She is a good little patient unless her pain medicine is wearing off or we have to get her up to go potty. Then her pain keeps her from being our usual sunny little girl. :-(

She really appreciates the many well wishes she has gotten from everyone. I keep telling her, "Even people you don't really know are thinking of you" and she likes that. Last night she got a visit from our friends/neighbors (Matt, Mike and Tom) who brought her all sorts of goodies to cheer up and keep her busy.

Here is Abby playing her new Wii game that the guys brought her:


And here she is with her balloon (which she loves!):



We are still working on figuring everything out. So far, so good. It's stressful though as we work out it all out. I want to be able to fix everything and have it be easy for everyone, but that's not always possible.

Here are some photos I took of her Saturday before she broke her leg. I have to admit it makes me teary-eyed to see her standing in these and know that they next day she broke her leg. This was a new outfit from Grandma that she got for Christmas.

Update on Abby's leg

Rather than calling or texting everyone, I'm going to post an update on here and link to it on Facebook so you all know what's going on with Abby.  This way I can also post a picture so you can see how she's doing.  

We talked to her orthopedic doc awhile ago.  The plan is to get Abby up and moving around today although not putting weight on her broken leg. As long as she does that, she can go home tonight.  Abby is very adverse to getting up though, so hopefully she'll be willing to try it.  Her pain is being managed and she's watching tv and resting. 

Her leg is still in a splint and she won't be in a cast for another week or so.  They are concerned about swelling so she'll also have to her leg up all the time.  She's supposed to stay out of school for the next 2 weeks. Since it requires 2 people to move her (one to hold her leg and one to hold her body) there are some challenges we'll face as she recovers.  

And here's the little patient:

Boo Boo leg

That's what we are calling it..."boo boo leg".  Yesterday, Abby fell down while running on a patch of ice in our driveway and broke both lower bones in her leg. She was outside playing with her friends for a few minutes when it happened. We took her to the ER and after a very long wait, they told us she'd have to stay the night.

We are so thankful that she didn't have to have surgery to repair the bones. They are managing her pain and she should be getting a cast today. She's being so brave through the whole thing.  I've never broken a bone, so I can't imagine how she's feeling. I only wish that I could make it my leg instead of hers.  It's so hard to see your child in pain. 

We are still in the hospital with her now and I have to say that hospital rooms have really changed since I was last in one. There's computer access, wi-fi, movies to watch and a flat screen tv...all that in a private room. I am thankful for the fact that those things make my baby more comfortable. You could almost think this is some weird kind of sleepover in a hotel room except for the little girl in the splint. :-(

Wow, what a day!

In addition to my panic attack this morning, it has just been a rough day. I am already feeling the hypothyroid symptoms which is rough.

I also received some very upsetting news. A very close friend of mine just had a baby last week and is now in the hospital diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Not only am I very worried, but I am sad and shocked that this is happening to her. She should be at home enjoying her first baby, not worrying about having heart problems.

Despite all the negativity of the day, I am trying to find some positives. So...
*I seem to be one of the few people getting an A in french. Yay me!
*It's cold & rainy and I have my sweet Gracie to snuggle with.
*I don't have any homework to do today.

Here's my Gracie girl snuggling up in our bed.

The Good Cancer

I'm told that I have "the good cancer". I hate hearing that because no cancer is good. No one wants to be a cancer patient. But really I suppose it is the good cancer. It has a very high cure rate. The treatment typically doesn't involve chemo. It's even a slow growing cancer. I have two other survivor friends who endured far more in one day of their treatment than I have dealt with in the nearly 3 years since my diagnosis. I am alive. I am in remission. I am growing healthier and healthier. So what do I really have to be upset about? Rationally I know that this week is just something I have to do. I have to go through these tests every 6 months. It's just something I have to do...maintenance in my life. Sort of like changing your oil or your furnace filter. It's just a fact. I have no reason to expect that this will be anything but routine maintenance.

But yet, I was filled with anxiety this morning. Not over getting a shot in the butt. Not over worrying about pain or needles. Not anxiety over the rushing around that I have to do this week to accommodate all these trips to the hospital. I was anxious about cancer. All I had to do is hear the words "nuclear medicine" and my immediate reaction was a panic attack. My legs felt like jelly, I was dizzy and my heart was racing but somehow I was able to follow the nurse into the room to get my injection. I didn't really even feel it because at that point the room was spinning. I had to sit down so I didn't pass out. I had to let myself cry.

You see, it's not just about the test. It's the fact that having cancer has really made it hard for me to see the big picture realistically anymore. It's the worry over what the long term effects of all these tests and radiation and "nuclear medicine" will have on me. It's the worry that the results won't be "undetectable". It's the memories of having my neck sliced open twice. It's the memories of radiation isolation. Of being away from my kids. Of being alone. Of not being in control of what was happening to me. It's hard not to feel freaked out that they put something in my body that made me have to be quarantined for 2 weeks.

Luckily I was able to talk myself down. I was able to call my husband who is always steady and calming. This week will suck, but it's just maintenance. Next week, I know my doctor will call me and tell me that cancer cells were "undetectable" and we'll celebrate. And I won't have to deal with this for the next 6 months or hopefully even a year.

But I am wondering...when will this anxiety stop? It is after all, "the good cancer"...what's there to worry about?

Currently reading :  Gods in Alabama  By Joshilyn Jackson

It's that time again...

Monday I started the process of going through my remission testing. It's sort of a long process because I have to have a few tests and wait for the results. Yesterday I had an ultrasound of my neck to check my thyroid bed (nothing is in there after all) and my lymph nodes. I have had a few suspicious lymph nodes in the past but my last ultrasound showed that they had shrunk in size and seemed to be getting back to normal. So hopefully these results will show that they are now back to their normal size. After this test, I will have to have shots that will make my TSH spike and then another blood test to check for Thyroglobulin. Any presence of Thyroglobulin would indicate there are thyroid cancer cells in my body. I do not forsee that test showing anything and neither does my doctor.

All that being said, it's still a rough time for me. Being hypothyroid makes me feel very tired among other things. Emotionally it's stressful for Josh and I as we wait to get all the results. Not because we anticipate a problem, but because the unknown is scary. Also let's face it, who enjoys paying for these tests? So why am I sharing this? So you all know if I'm not "myself" or Josh is not "himself" as we go through this. So you know that if I say I'm tired, I'm not exaggerating.

And I'll keep you all posted with the results as I get them.

Oh Noes!!!

I broke my Macbook.

Hopefully my computer whiz husband can fix it.

It's like the nicest thing I've ever owned.

The sun

Because I'm having one of those times in my life moments where I need to hear lots of positive things. I love this that I saw on a blog that I often to read and wanted to share it.



Does the sun ask itself, “Am I good? Am I worthwhile? Is there enough of me?” No, it burns and it shines.

Does the sun ask itself, “What does the moon think of me? How does Mars feel about me today?” No it burns, it shines.

Does the sun ask itself, “Am I as big as other suns in other galaxies?” No, it burns, it shines.

—Andrea Dworkin
From Our Blood

2nd time in a week...

Here we go again and again and again....

This is the email I just saw in my student email inbox:

"CAMPUS ALERT posted at 4/22/08 10:30 a.m.

In response to a graffiti threat found last night on campus, students, faculty and staff should expect to see heightened security on campus for the next several days. University Police say threats of this nature do not warrant a change in normal operations.

NIU officials say campus-wide notification about threats of this sort reflects heightened sensitivity to security concerns here and throughout the region.

All members of the NIU campus community are urged to remain calm but vigilant, and to report any information they might have about this threat to the campus police."

And yes, while I was in class I saw a campus officer stroll by the room. I am just so sick of this crap. Should I transfer to a different university? Is this going to get better? It's kind of hard to concentrate on finals and projects and stuff with all these threats. This is 2 in less than a week now.

Monday morning madness

It's been kind of a crazy morning.

I woke up to there not being any coffee. Today I need as much caffeine as I can possibly stomach. Although perhaps if I hadn't insisted that Josh crack that second bottle of sparkling wine last night, he would have been able to remember to put the coffee in the pot. Shame on me and my wicked feminine wiles. Thank goodness for Starbuck's Skinny Lattes! Now if only they were as cheap as making coffee at home.

To my neighbors: I'm sorry for the horrors you had to see this morning. It was not my preference to prance about the neighborhood in my pajamas. I especially hated chasing that bag of dog poo that blew out of the can and into the street. Unfortunately the males in my household neglected their responsibility of taking out the garbage. Grr! Had I known that I'd be taking it out, I would have at least wore matching pajamas that didn't show so much boobage. Thank you for not yelling "My eyes!" and instead saying "hello". I know it was hard for you, but it's nonetheless appreciated.

While I was taking Abby to school, taking out the garbage, scaring my neighbors and grabbing that Starbuck's Skinny Latte, Gracie was busy making a big ole stinky pile of poop in the house! I don't know why considering I had just taken her out before I left.

To my hubby: Yes you were right when you said we needed to buy toilet paper. I'm sorry that I disagreed with you because now there is one roll left in the whole house. I'm sure when my coffee kicks in I will be especially sorry that I didn't just let you buy some toilet paper when we were grocery shopping. You were right, I was wrong. I know it will make your day to see it in writing since I so rarely admit it.

I am still working hard on my monster paper. I have a few pages left and the slideshow to do. The paper needs to be done for tomorrow morning at 9:30. The slide show has to be done when I present the paper to the class which could be anytime from tomorrow until the last day we meet. I personally would like to get it over and done with and out of the way. I am hoping I can present tomorrow or Thursday. Other than getting out of the house for two fun little escapades (Amy's tupperware party and having a treat with my sis), I've been constantly working on this paper since Friday.

Nothing here: no voice and no results

I am on day two of barely having a voice. Today it's actually worse or less of a voice. It's quite frustrating. I was supposed to give a presentation in class yesterday but stayed home because how can you present if you can't talk?!? I think I may get together a powerpoint slideshow for what I was going to say to show tomorrow in case my voice is still not back. It seems this is the semester for nearly every odd thing to happen. First my back, then Evan who never gets sick got the flu, the school shootings, now no voice! I am trying to see what the message is in all this.

I still have no results from my neck ultrasound. I was really hoping to hear something by yesterday. My Mom says "no news is good news" but in my experience, doctors don't always rush to tell you bad or negative news. For instance my surgeon had my cancer diagnosis for 4 days before he told me. (I'm really grateful for that because it allowed me to enjoy Halloween with my kids). Also my last bad ultrasound, it took my doctor a week to tell me because she was consulting with another doctor about it. So, I am pretty nervous. Both times I got the news on a Thursday, so I am hoping for news today. News on Thursdays feels like a bad omen. :woah:

This is dead on...

I woke up today with a wicked headache and nausea. But I still had to go to class. I suffered through it and was so happy to finally get home so I could take some Pepto Bismal and Aleve for my headache and then wash it all down with ginger ale. Yuck, what a morning!

Life is mildly confusing right now. Trying to sort it all out.

My horoscope for today sums it all up.
Libra
September 23-October 22
Tuesday, Mar 18, 2008: You might be starting to think about making some changes where your professional life is concerned right now. You could be growing a little weary of the same old routine and might be ready for a few new experiences. Just remember that there's no reason to pretend that things are all right if they're not right now.

A few unexpected developments could test and challenge you a bit today. And some important people could be coming down on you and making your life a little more complicated than it has to be right now.

Today gets an A+

Yesterday I had a really bad funk. I was sad and feeling bad for myself about random junk. I also had a moment of staring at my scar in the mirror and hating cancer. I can hate cancer all I want. It still happened and hating it won’t change that. But anyway, I let it ruin a big chunk of my day. Today however is so much better.

I don’t normally share this kind of info, but I am so thrilled that I have to. As of this afternoon, all of my cancer bills are paid off! My cancer comrades will understand how tough that is to accomplish and how very good it feels not to owe your soul to the hospital, doctors, pathology lab, etc...

Sadly next week begins more cancer testing, but it will be much easier to pay for than hospital stays, surgeries and treatments. I also have much confidence that my blood test will show no evidence of thyroid cells and that my big lymph node is doing a-okay. And then when that’s all over, I won’t have to worry for a long time. Life can go on and I will continue growing stronger and healthier.

I was also happy to see this today:



It’s not green yet, but it soon will be. Spring is on its way. It’s sunny and in the 50’s today. It’s wonderful not to think about snow and ice and trudging to class in the freezing cold. 

Also, I have some really great friends. Some I see often, some I haven’t seen in a long time. And a few I haven’t even met in real life. Whether it’s a good day or a bad day, you fabulous people are there for me. I am really lucky that you are in my life and allow me to be a part of yours. 

Okay, done being sappy and emotional now. Here’s a cute picture of Abby and the dog, Gracie.

Currently reading :  Nineteen Minutes  By Jodi Picoult  Release date: 05 February, 2008

Pickles

I had a bad day. Like Spongebob in the
Pickles episode. It was as if everything just went wrong.

We were late to school this morning. I couldn't find a parking spot at NIU and had to circle for 1/2 an hour. I was late to class. I wasn't prepared. I could stop coughing. My throat and my ribs hurt from the coughing. And the list goes on and on. Boo to bad days!

Luckily I got to come home and snuggle with my little girl. No matter how bad the day is, hugs from someone you love always turns it around. And tomorrow will be better!